Trains are awesome. As a youth, they always excited me. I gorged myself on all things locomotive. The ""Shining Time Station"" program on public television was a daily must-watch and games like ""Railroad Tycoon"" and ""A-Train"" crowded the family computer's hard drive. I dreamt of one day when I could drive my own iron horse along the long-abandoned rail lines crisscrossing this nation. Then I graduated high school and realized the time for dreaming was over.
Mayor Dave Cieslewicz, it seems, never had such a realization. The man is fixated on making his dream of building a trans-isthmus train system in Madison a reality. Surprisingly, some think the mayor's got his conductor cap on too tight.
Critics argue there's no need for a train system in Madison and the price tag—somewhere between $15 million to $25 million per mile, according to the Wisconsin State Journal—far outweighs any potential benefit. I say trains are awesome regardless of the cost.
Unfortunately, the somewhat limiting nature of democracy requires the mayor to seek the public's approval on these matters. As a result he's proposed a referendum to decide whether or not the city should proceed with the train plan. While I support any and all proposed rail laying, I'd be cheating my readers if I didn't alert them to some of the less talked about perils a new railway would bring to the city.
Hobos. If you take issue with the current number of vagrants in downtown Madison, just wait till there's a train line slicing through the Isthmus. To be fair, hobos aren't technically homeless—the boxcar is their home and America their front yard. Also, unlike traditional panhandlers, hobos aren't interested in your loose change. As John Hodgeman—America's foremost authority on hobo matters—points out in his seminal work ""The Areas of My Expertise,"" hobos use their own currency of ""hobo nickels"" and are more interested in world domination. Consider yourself warned.
Banditry. Perhaps even more unsettling than the imminent threat of hobo invasion is the potential for rail-based crime, with horseback train robbery posing the most obvious threat. You may laugh at the notion, but the fact remains that train robbery is an American pastime. With its combination of hooting, hollering, high speeds and firearms, it's no wonder most historians agree train robbery laid the groundwork for contemporary diversions like road rage and NASCAR racing.
Boxcar children. You read the books. You know the danger this snoopy little bunch poses. (It's also important to remember that boxcar children are essentially young hobos.) Boxcar children, if you're reading this, I beg you: mind you own beeswax. I realize you were probably orphaned before your mother could teach you this important life lesson, but nobody likes a tattletale.
These are just a few of the more dangerous—and least discussed—factors associated with any new rail system. Now that you're aware, I trust you'll make an informed decision when Mayor Dave presents his referendum. And finally, I urge to remember this one thing: Trains are totally awesome.
