There is nothing romantic about February in Wisconsin. The once-pristine snow becomes sloppy and grey, turning pant legs into salt licks and foiling any attempt at a jaw-dropping ensemble. Skin cracks and flakes and no amount of cherry-flavored lip balm can save parched lips. We wear long underwear, furry hats and shapeless parkas. There is nothing sexy about a woman in a one-piece snowsuit, unless it's fuchsia and comes with a belt, like mine.
Unfortunately, Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year, falls smack dab in the middle of this month. What's a girl to do?
Turn to aphrodisiacs of course! An aphrodisiac, named after the Greek goddess of love Aphrodite, is any agent that increases sexual desire.
The first aphrodisiacs were based on organs from particularly aggressive or virile animals, like tigers, rhinos and sea lions. While these all seem terribly romantic and whatnot, I just haven't been able to find decent rhinoceros horns since my Wednesday night cockfighting ring was disbanded, so I've decided to turn to more accessible aphrodisiacs this Valentine's Day.
Chocolate is a classic aphrodisiac. I, like most women, adore chocolate and will devour it in nearly any form. Bake it, melt it, freeze it or shred it into tiny flakes and stuff it into a blunt. But take note men, one of the inherent problems with using chocolate as an aphrodisiac is that it is also used as an over-the-counter mood stabilizer by nearly every woman on earth. Certain chocolate products evoke nothing but romance and lust, while others evoke memories of our last breakup, girl fight or failed exam. Be sure to avoid these ""comforting chocolates"" on Valentines Day. Find out exactly what type of chocolate she uses to battle PMS and steer clear. With so many cocoa-based products available, it can be difficult to determine exactly what's sensual and what's not.
Here's a guide for the chocolate challenged. Chocolate-covered strawberries are romantic. Chocolate-covered raisins are not. Red velvet cake is romantic. Ho-Hos are not. Godiva chocolate liqueur is romantic. YooHoo is not. Be careful boys, be careful.
Black licorice has been used as an aphrodisiac for centuries. Lucifer, the key flavor in licorice, is delicious in delicacies that use the ""less is more"" concept. Black licorice, however, bombards our fragile taste buds in its own little ""shock and awe"" campaign.
The final aphrodisiac I'll address is champagne. Champagne is not so much an aphrodisiac as an inhibition eraser. The bubbles tickle your nose and throat, and the alcohol content allows you to make poor decisions that you'll later regret, which is what Valentines Day is really all about. Another great thing about champagne is that to most college-age palates, there is little difference between a $4 bottle and a $40 bottle. So buy the J. Roget Extra Dry, and save the cash for some flowers.
Aphrodisiac effects differ for everyone. Some people like figs, some crave truffles while others find pine nuts trAcs sexy. As for me, is that a cheeseburger? Come on over, Honey, I'm all yours.
Share your favorite aphrodisiac with Caroline. Send her an e-mail at clmueller2@wisc.edu.
