As a person who invests a disturbing amount of emotional energy into his favorite sports teams, this week was a downer for me. There were tough losses in both basketball and hockey, and I even lost by slaughter rule in intramural basketball. Only two things lifted my spirits on this most bleak week of Badger blunders.
The first was my annual instigation of the State Street snowball fight Saturday night. At its height, I estimated 40 hurlers on each side of the street, accompanied by a cadre of onlookers and well-wishers, none of whom escaped my precise lobs. I ached like a baseball pitcher the next day, but pegging fleeing pedestrians from considerable distances was worth all the revenge my body could dish out.
The second redeemer was CBS cameras catching Ohio State coach Thad Matta exercise the five-second rule during Sunday's basketball game. If you didn't catch it, the incident occurred toward the end of the game when Thad was shouting at a bribed referee for not calling the game blatantly enough in favor of Ohio State. During the tirade, his gum flew out of his mouth, after which he picked it up off the floor and put it back in his mouth.
Now, I'm familiar with the five-second rule. I'm sure it has saved many a scrumptious morsel. However, I myself do not employ the rule, because my apartment may as well have a dirt floor.
I don't know what the general protocol on the five-second rule is, and I'm not positive on the various amendments and qualifiers, but I'm pretty sure there is a clause in there for surfaces clearly too dirty for consumption. I think it's reasonable to say if my kitchen floor is one of them, a basketball court has to be another.
Picking up a piece of gum from the ground and putting it in your mouth is something I learned not to do as a toddler. Here is a well-paid coach doing it not only in front of a sell-out crowd, but also during a highly viewed Sunday afternoon telecast. Did he think no one would see him pop the little green speck?
Knowing Thad Matta was chomping on spearmint gum during the biggest game of his career enables me to further dislike him. Everyone knows Polar Ice is the one and only acceptable non-bubble variety of gum. It's a typical rookie mistake, one you wouldn't catch a veteran like Bo Ryan making.
On a scale of embarrassment, this incident is better than nose picking on national television, but worse than, say, having a fly down on national television. In fact, it's right on par with getting caught picking a wedgie. Either way, it's gross.
I didn't have a chance to revel in the disgust then, but knowing Ohio State has a dirt-eater for a coach helps me cope with the loss. Armed with this hindsight, I remember the only thing worse than losing to Ohio State is going to Ohio State, and thankfully I must only endure this temporary setback as opposed to the comparable life-long setback.
Either way, I'm booking tickets to the Big Ten tournament and bringing more than a few buckets of these pristinely formed snowballs with me—Greg Oden should make a great target.
