""Deathtrap, deathtrap deathtrap Deathtrap on wheels (deathtrap on wheels)
Deathtrap, deathtrap deathtrap
Deathtrap on wheels (deathtrap on wheels)""
This is just one excerpt from a power ballad I'm writing and dedicating to my new bicycle. After my old one was stolen last year, I waited nearly four months for the cold winter to pass and bicycles to once again come into fashion.
I know that it's easier to get from here to there on a bike, so I made certain to get a highly respected bike—the Huffy Cavern 26\ cycle. Where I erred, however, was ordering it online. Five days later, it arrived in a variety of pieces that those Huffy-villains expected me to assemble.
""You got yourself a bike (got a bike)
And you wanna ride it like a tyke (like a tyke)
But that's no bike!
No, that's a deathtrap, deathtrap deathtrap
Deathtrap on wheels (Deathtrap on wheels)!
(Vicious Banjo solo)""
I'm not the best person at assembling things. Sure, I've been known to slap quite a few Lego sets together—49, including the complete M:Tron line—but these skills do not transfer over to a construction job requiring actual tools.
The last time I attempted using tools was in seventh grade shop class, when my CO2 racer exploded and killed several students. I scraped by with a C+, but only because my teacher ""really hated some of those kids."" God bless you, Ms. Neal.
When it came time to assemble my bike, I had to blow the dust off the toolkit I received freshman year and figure out what the hell each tool did. During the course of constructing it, I faced pinched skin, nuts that wouldn't come off and I accidentally put the front spoke on backwards.
After spending what seemed like several millennia, the bike is now complete. I'm certain I didn't latch a nut tight enough and I may have accidentally added some sort of nuclear reactor device, so without question, this bike will be the death of me.
""Don't Bicycle Race, Bicycle Race, Bicycle Race
Because on this deathtrap on wheels
You'll die quicker than Princess Diana did, which is oddly impressive, considering her car slammed into a solid pillar going at speeds in excess of 70 miles per hour (110 kilometers per hour) which is awfully fast, especially considering the driver may have been drunk depending on which conspiracy theories you choose to read.
But that's what happens when you ride
The deathtrap, deathtrap, deathtrap
Deathtrap on wheels (Deathtrap on wheels)
Deathtrap, deathtrap, deathtrap
Deathtrap on wheels!""
My bike-related end might come from an accidental impaling; possibly asphyxiation or it'll spontaneously burst into flame with me astride it. No matter what, I know I'm not coming out alive, and I'm damn well going to take that tool of the beast with me!
Hopefully I can get Raffi to sing our song at the combined funeral.
Deathtrap on wheels (Deathtrap on wheels)
Deathtrap, deathtrap, deathtrap
Deathtrap on wheels!""
To this day, I've ridden it around a couple times and still haven't died. But I know my time is coming soon, for that is what happens, when you ride a deathtrap, deathtrap, deathtrap on wheels (deathtrap on wheels).
