Well, I don't really know how to say this, so I'm gonna say it quick. Pull it off like a Band-Aid—painful, but with no lasting scarring.
Sorry Van Hise Hall, but I've been cheating on you.
I'm not calling other places ""Van Hizzle,"" nor am I taking foreign language courses in another building, because from German to Esperanto, you've always been the best at that.
No, Van Hise, I've been using other bathrooms.
It's not your fault, it's more me than you. Well, actually it's more Helen C. Library getting insanely better hand drying facilities than you could ever imagine that leads me astray.
When my relationship first started out with Van Hise, it was like one with any other building. I'd have classes there and occasionally use the bathroom, as nature necessitated. Of course I'd then wash and dry my hands without a care in the world.
But starting sophomore year, things changed, and Van Hise got XLerator hand dryers. My world was changed. No longer did I need to walk out of the bathroom with sopping wet hands—good ole Van Hise and its XLerator made sure of that.
There were times when I didn't have class in Van Hise, and I didn't even need to use the bathroom, but I did stop by just to feel the exhilaration the XLerator provided.
""Hey you! Kid! WTF!"" was a common exclamation of security guards who just didn't understand my forbidden love.
Our courtship lasted two years, but then tragedy struck. Helen C. updated its blowers, and it totally skipped the XLerator phase. Instead, it went straight to the ""Air Blade"" phase, and for me, there's no turning back.
This thing gives the best blow job I've ever had!
Please, get your mind out of the gutter, I have not had sexual relations with anything mechanical within Helen C. I'm just saying that the way it dries hands is absolutely extraordinary. You put your hands inside a weird looking contraption, and seconds later, your hands come out as dry as the Gobi desert (please note, not the Sahara).
Sure, the blowers in Van Hise did this, but they took nearly twice as long. When you're used to a 10 second drying, a five second one seems insanely fast.
And this is why I need to cheat on my beloved Van Hise, the increase of speed is too great. Sure, when I'm in Chinese class three days a week, I'll most certainly use it at least fives times. But that's mainly because there's no bus that goes down the hill from Van Hise to the library, which really hampers my bathroom planning. My laziness trumps my love.
If Van Hise reads this and updates its facilities to suit my whims, I might go back to it, because this cheating process is driving me crazy. My scarlet HD for hand dryers is driving me crazy, and I would like to be faithful, but I know if I stayed with Van Hise, my hands would be too dirty. I know I'd need to wash myself of that mess, and what better place to do it than at Helen C. Library?
