Here's a word problem: Valerie wants to find her baby's daddy. She is giving a paternity test to the 33rd man. If Valerie is two and a half months pregnant, how often was she having sex assuming a two-day lag between men?
""Um, is this a problem you are having?"" my mom asked hesitantly when I posed it a few days ago.
""No. The theme of ‘Maury' today is ‘I've tested 33 men—are you my baby's father,' and the sheer concept of the 33rd man not being her baby's daddy is just mind boggling. I'm switching between that and ‘Judge Joe Brown'—which I'm now watching more than ever since I can't find ‘Texas Justice'—and there was a woman who faked a pregnancy and then she went on a shopping spree at Penney's and—""
""Shouldn't you be in class?"" she interrupted.
""No. I'm practicing being unemployed.""
She didn't sound too amused.
Simply put, my lack of motivation to find a job stems from my addiction to daytime television, and I'm not sure if I can quite give it up right now. I've got daytime TV down to a science.
Good talk shows. There's Rachael Ray, with her perky, peppy, quick meals and atrocious interviewing skills. There's also Dr. Keith Ablow, whose tough-love, ""let's explore your past together"" pyschology has given us great shows about strippers who view stripping as an art. There've also been shows with teen moms who party too hard (they had father issues) and a hard hitting interview with the woman who came between Nas and Jay-Z. Legitimate celebrities appear on these shows—sometimes. There's makeovers without a catch. Fashion shows without drag queen models. Love triangles without midgets and siblings and the prerequisite prostitute. This is real drama.
Bad talk shows. Overly reliant on lie detector tests, paternity tests, gender confusion and psychics, these are the shows that make class worth skipping. I prefer Mr. Connie Chung himself, Maury Povich, for my daily ""wow-at-least-I'm-not-that-large-woman-with-six-babies-from-different-fathers"" fix. Makes me feel better about my life. Some people prefer Silvia Brown Wednesdays on ""Montel,"" where the former Navy marine brings in noted pyschic Brown to communicate with fairies, spirit guides and those who have ""passed on.""
Silvia Brown on a regular Wednesday goes something like this:
""Uh, hi Silvia. Lately when I'm in the kitchen doing dishes, I think I see a big black dog running around my yard with big teeth,"" asks a normal-looking, middle-aged soccer mom.
""Oh honey,"" Silvia says in a smoker's growl, waving her long, french-manicured nails. ""That's just your spirit guide.""
""My spirit guide?"" She's not buying it.
""Oh yes. He's protecting you from evil fairies.""
Daytime gold.
And then we come back to ""Maury."" Show topic: ""Shocking Lie Detector Tests: Please, Maury, did my fiancAc sleep with my mother?"" Jennifer was engaged to Justin and had brought him on the show because she thought he was cheating on her. She found lipstick stains on his undershirt and when asked how he got the hickies on his neck, he said that they were from a vacuum cleaner that went out of control while he was cleaning the car.
There's no way I'm ever going to class again.
Are you wondering if Valeria ever found her baby's father after 33 men? E-mail Caitlin at cfcieslikmis@wisc.edu to find out. Not to ruin the show, but she didn't. She's on No. 35 now.
