The Daily Cardinal will look to continue its diamond domination when it takes on the weak-hitting and error-prone Badger Herald squad in the annual spring softball game Friday afternoon at Vilas Park.
Current Cardinal staff members could not recall the last time they fell to the Herald in any sporting event. However, ‘Marvelous' Mable Wisisinski, a star on the Cardinal's 1978 women's roller-derby squad, said she remembered losing a close match back when disco was sweeping the nation.
""Me and Rosie Roblewski popped in an Abba eight-track and snorted a few lines of coke before the derby,"" Wisisinski said in a phone interview. ""That definitely gave those crazy wenches an edge.""
The Cardinal will once again have its ace pitcher Sam Pepper on the hill against the Herald. In one career start, Pepper is undefeated. When asked whether he had spent long hours preparing for the game, Pepper dumped his creamy mocha latte on a rookie Cardinal reporter's face.
""Practice, you're talkin' about practice?"" Pepper questioned. ""I'm Sam [censored] Pepper. I'm the Pep Talk. I light my Marlboro's with Andrew Jacksons. Practice, you've got to be kidding me.""
Dave ‘Roids' McGrath represents the Herald's one and only offensive threat.
""I take vitamin supplements—so sue me,"" McGrath said. ""It's not like it matters. Our team is more pathetic than George McFly in""Back to the Future.""
Despite the reporter's attempts to walk away, McGrath continued his analogies.
""If our team was cereal we wouldn't even be in a box,"" he said. ""We'd be the cheap stuff you get in the bag at the bottom of the shelf. Who wants to eat Loopy Fruits when you can get regular Fruit Loops?""
The ceremonial first pitch will be thrown by Mayor Dave at 4 p.m. Bo Ryan has agreed to provide the pre-game entertainment.
""I'm going to show you youngsters a few ill hambone moves,"" Ryan said.
