With graduation (and unemployment) staring me in the face, I thought I'd give all you lucky Badgers who still have years left here some advice on how to fully enjoy the rest of your college careers.
First of all, go to as many sporting events as you can. One of my biggest regrets is not getting football tickets my first two years and never getting men's hockey season tickets at all. What's a little more debt after you graduate anyhow? The highlights of seeing live hockey—which is more exciting than football—and the amazing experience of UW football games are well worth it.
When you do go to games, don't come late and/or leave early. Don't be that guy. In fact, at least once, go really early for football to get excellent seats. Nothing beats standing in the front row of a hot, muggy 65-0 blowout and helping lead a ""let's go clouds"" chant.
To further enjoy your game experience, make up as many nicknames and gestures for players as possible. Whether it's your own team (""GQ"" for Tyler Donovan, ""The Wisconsin Winnebago"" for P.J. Hill) or the hated Wolverines (yelling ""the sky is falling"" at Chad Henne-Penny or ""turn around"" at Michael ‘Total Eclipse of the' Hart), nicknames can only further the fun you have at a game.
Sweeping gestures can also add to the ambience of a matchup that may be out of hand. Besides the obvious Hill and Swan, break out the pruning scissors for third-string quarterback Dustin Sherer, open the cupboard for Paul ""Mother"" Hubbard or pretend to be behind bars for Andy Crooks. When The Citadel comes to town Sep. 15, show them we can entertain as well as obliterate them on the football field.
Now there's a thin line between being a loud and supportive fan and an obnoxious one. If you're going to yell things at quiet spots, make sure it's funny or creative. ""Bucky did your mom"" was not funny the first time, and it's not funny when you're yelling it in somebody's ears at least five times per quarter. And females, there's also a thin line between cheering and screeching. I'm just saying... there was definitely a ringing in my ears after the Illinois football game this season, and it wasn't because of the crowd cheering.
Before heading to games, make sure to do your homework. Poke the opposing team's goalie on Facebook, research any names on the other team you can make fun of or find something creative to taunt the opponent's players with. Perhaps the best and well-researched taunt occurred this year courtesy of the Crease Creatures. A ""cite your sources"" chant was directed at St. Cloud State goalie Bobby Goepfert, who was kicked off Providence his sophomore year for plagiarism in one of his classes (he then transferred to SCS). That is a genius chant, and kudos to whoever did their research and thought that one up, hopefully fans can continue that kind of dedication next year.
And since you have little to no chance of walking on to any of these teams, play intramural sports instead. You can relive all your adolescent dreams playing the sport of your choice. Although I never won that elusive championship I wanted so badly, I still had a great time every time I played. Just don't fall into the traps of a) calling your own fouls/penalties in a game with refs, b) trash talking in a recreational league or c) being out for blood. There's a reason you're not playing for Bo Ryan or Bret Bielema, just calm down and have some fun.
For my last thought, just remember the words of Glenn Yarbrough: ""The chances, the changes are all yours to take. The mold of your life is in your hands to break."" Thanks for reading my weekly ramblings, if you've had half as much fun reading this column as I've had writing it, well, then I've had twice as much fun writing the column as you've had reading it.
U-Rah-Rah Wisconsin.
