Picture a boxing ring. The air is so damp you can almost sip it from a spoon. In one corner, there's a drunk pirate, and in the other, there's a ferocious lion. Who would win in a fight? A fight to the death, to banishment, insanity, eternal damnation to the tower of Orthanc—whatever. I wanted to know. So, I polled some people to see who they think would win in the following fights. By 10:15 p.m. Monday, I received 25 total votes, including myself, and here are the results.
FIGHT: Captain Jack Sparrow (""Pirates of the Caribbean"") vs. Scar (""The Lion King"")
RESULTS:
Witty Jack: 14
Uncle Scar: 11
Well, Jack's the winner. Even though I didn't vote for him, I can see why people would. He's gorgeous. He has the accent. And apparently he's sneaky. Of course nobody wants him to die. But here's why he would: the rum. All that rum. How can a drunken pirate with one bullet in his gun kill a ferocious lion who just got done throwing his own brother off of a cliff and into a stampede of wildebeests? Hell if I know.
FIGHT: Keyser Soze (""The Usual Suspects"") vs. Lex Luthor (""Superman Returns"")
RESULTS:
The Devil Himself: 13
Sexy Lexy: 11
(one person did not vote on this fight)
I voted for Keyser, but let's be honest. This wouldn't be a very good fight. The more I think about it, the more I just envision two skinny old dudes with huge egos pulling each other's hair... or scalp. Whatever. Either way, Keyser would just have to win. All Lex has on his side is kryptonite, and assuming that Keyser Soze is not really an alien from the planet Krypton, this doesn't do Mr. Luthor much good. Soze would beat him simply because he'd hire a bunch of crazy international hitmen with machine guns and then disappear into the night. Enough said.
FIGHT: Patrick Bateman (""American Psycho"") vs. Lisa Rowe (""Girl, Interrupted"")
RESULTS:
Mr. ""I have to return some
video tapes"": 10
Psycho Lisa Rowe: 10
(five people did not vote on this fight)
Okay. I voted for Bateman simply because Christian Bale is my future husband. I had to do it. But really, I'm not so sure. Remember that Bateman's ability to wield a chainsaw while naked doesn't do him any good in a fight that takes place in the real world. Perhaps he'd be too busy trying to control the situation to notice that Lisa's about to slide a pencil into his thorax. But it's a tough call. And probably why we have a dead tie. I mean, Patrick Bateman is so ripped that he could probably just toss her skinny ass a mile or two from the ring. But that's assuming he sees it coming. Taking into account his narcissism, I'm not too sure he would.
FIGHT: Severus Snape (""Harry Potter"") vs. Gandalf the White (""LOTR"")
RESULTS:
The White Wizard: 22
Snivellus: 3
Poor Snivellus! Gandalf is the obvious winner. The fact that he came back from the dead seemed to play a big role in his success. Even still, I know for a fact that we're all just a little bit pissed at the half-blood prick for what he did to Dumbledore. But keep that in mind. It seems that Professor Snape is capable of a lot more than we anticipate. Maybe he couldn't beat the White Wizard in a wand-to-staff duel, but I'm pretty sure he could take luscious-locks Legolas with just the flick of a wrist. Plus, he's Alan Rickman. That technically puts him in charge.
Thanks everybody who voted! I'll be back next week with my final column. Sniffle. Tear.
