At last, at long last, the icy clutches of winter are fading away and the warm tendrils of spring are spreading over our campus like just-thawing molasses. Spring brings many things with it: warmer temperatures, inexpressible urges to throw around ovoid leather objects and a variety of fantastic creatures that will wreak havoc on my psyche. Creatures like mosquitoes (Culiseta melanura), hornets (Vespa dentate) and centipedes (Keatonae scareshitlessi).
But those aren't the only side effects of spring.
You see, for most of the year, Madison weather resembles that of an arctic wasteland - cold, large snowfalls and occasional gusts of wind strong enough to knock over small children. During the long winter, everyone on campus dresses in multiple baggy layers for warmth and protection from the elements. People grumble about the weather, but class goes on and everyone is (or pretends to be) productive.
But now, those layers are coming off. Where once there were sweatshirts and flannel pants, now there are camisoles and skirts. Where there were parkas, there are now wife-beaters and shorts.
Why is this a problem? For the past six months, men have been blissfully unaware of the physical attributes contained within a given North Face jacket. While hormones rage year-round, they are dulled by the cold reality of winter. But now that patterned hoodies are giving way to plunging necklines and vast tracts of exposed skin, men are forced (FORCED, I tell you) by their own biology to investigate the phenomenon of tight pants and cleavage more carefully (obtaining many samples is a must).
This wouldn't be an issue - well, it wouldn't be an issue for men - except for classes. Although we are suddenly under a biological assault from the curvaceous females around us and feel urges to strut and perform mating rituals, we are still expected to perform well in classes, job interviews and other extracurricular activities - such as newspaper columns. And these tasks are by no means easy.
Let me give you an example. My Biology 101 lecture draws all sorts of people. Eager-eyed freshmen who want to try a bit of everything, beleaguered sophomores who are only now realizing that they have to make something out of themselves and jaded seniors like myself. But now that the women are wearing tank tops instead of arctic fleece, my mind gets easily distracted and I find it hard to focus on the lecture. Sure, I'm still focused on biology, but my attention has turned from theoretical descriptions of the nervous system to applied reproductive techniques.
Men aren't the only gender affected by the distractions of spring - the street goes both ways. There is a distinct difference, however, in the reaction.
The Wisconsin Male spends much of his winter either A) drinking heavily without regard to his appearance or B) drinking heavily and pumping iron at the SERF. So when we shed our outer layers, we reveal either a toned, muscled body with pulsing veins and sculpted abs or a nice, rounded, hairy gut.
In the first case, the reaction tends to be stares and winks from a distance. The second case tends to provoke a disgust and an overwhelming desire to avoid looking, hearing or smelling the offending blob.
Although for different reasons, both types tend to
be a distraction.
So please, I implore you, ladies and gentlemen alike: Enjoy the spring. Enjoy the warmth. Enjoy the ability to walk outside without turning into an icicle. But keep your assets to yourself, at least until finals are over.
Then let's all get naked.
Did Keaton just write an entire column about T&A? Yes, yes he did. If you have a problem with that, you can discuss with him privately. After finals are over. E-mail keatonmiller@wisc.edu to set up an appointment.
