This weekend, Iron Man,"" the first summer blockbuster of the season opens nationwide. Being the oracle I am, I wanted to make some predictions so my genius could be preserved for all times. (In the interest of full disclosure, I was 100 percent sure last year's ""Transformers"" would fail. Damn you, Optimus Prime!) Also in the interest of keeping my readers, I will refrain from talking about ""The Dark Knight"" as long as I can.
Prediction No. 1
""The Incredible Hulk"" will be the second straight critical failure for the Hulk. The last movie that had this much infighting and arguments over the script and creative control was M. Night Shyamalan's ""Lady in the Water,"" a film so reviled that a tell-all novel was written about the director's downfall. Edward Norton rewrote the script, basically co-directed the film and wanted a say in the film's final cut - sounds like a calamity of Shyamalanian proportions. By the way, I predict it will still make $150 million. Hulk buy big and tall shirt store!
Prediction No. 2
The battle of the sexes will be decided July 18: ""Mamma Mia!"" vs. ""The Dark Knight"" (sorry). Those unfortunate men who lose that battle can at least take solace in watching Pierce Brosnan as trapped as they are. Speaking of solace, as soon as I see ""TDK,"" I can begin my countdown to Bond 22, ""Quantum of Solace,"" in earnest.
Prediction No. 3
The battle of the comedians will be decided June 20: Mike Myers' ""The Love Guru"" vs. Steve Carell's ""Get Smart."" As art imitates life, this June 20 match-up features an American government agent against someone who speaks with an accent and has a faith we don't fully understand. John McCain says we could watch these movies for 100 years.
Prediction No. 4
Sci-fi nerds have moved on... ""X-Files 2"" marks the end of Gillian Anderson as a geek sex symbol: ""The X-Files"" went off the air six years ago. No one who hasn't spent that time replaying the DVDs by the light of their alien head lamp will care. Most other nerds are counting down to the premiere of ""Star Trek"" in March.
Prediction No. 5
""Speed Racer"": The Wachowskis:: Waterloo: Napoleon: The Wachowskis used up most of their good will by unleashing sequels to ""The Matrix"" on an unsuspecting public. The acting looks hammy, the premise sounds shaky and the special effects look like an acid trip. However, hoards of stoned teenagers will call it the trippiest movie since ""Yellow Submarine.""
Prediction No. 6
Someone will recall that at one point Will Smith's film ""Hancock"" was titled ""Tonight, He Comes."" Millions of teenage boys join in laughter.
Prediction No. 7
""Wall-E"" will be the best-reviewed film of the summer. Pixar has a phenomenal track record for bringing both unique and entertaining films. Their past three efforts have all yielded one of their respective year's best films: ""The Incredibles,"" ""Finding Nemo"" and ""Ratatouille."" As a film essentially without audible dialogue, critics will be knocking each other over to sing the praises of another masterpiece. And from what I hear, Roger Ebert has a mean uppercut.
Prediction No. 8
""Indiana Jones"" will be the highest-grossing movie of the year: George Lucas can afford to eat another day - bring on the tauntaun steaks! Also falling somewhere in the top five this summer, although I'm not entirely sure in what order: "" Iron Man,"" ""The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian,"" ""The Dark Knight"" - once again, sorry - and ""Hancock.""
If you still aren't ready to give up your ""I love Mulder and Scully"" t-shits, let Brad know at boron@wisc.edu.
