Goodbye.
Keaton was born to little fanfare in July of 1987. Doctors say he was a mystery child - he didn't cry and eschewed his mother's milk, preferring to sustain himself with happiness, sunshine and straight-up brown sugar.
He learned to read by studying the dictionary - while this gave him a decent vocabulary, he gained a nasty tendency to espouse factualisms with more verbiage than is appropriate in modern literary society. And, of course, the problem with sentence words putting together sense making.
Keaton's parents moved from Chicago to Madison after he finished kindergarten. He was supposed to have a birthday party a couple of days before the move, but his parents forgot to put stamps on the invitations so no one showed up.
Bastards.
When Keaton was in second grade, his parents gave him the option to skip third grade. This was an incredibly important decision, one that would impact every part of the rest of
his education, and so Keaton gave it the appropriate amount of thought.
Unfortunately, he thought he was being asked if he wanted four chocolate chip gutbomb delight cookies instead of three, so the decision was made perhaps too quickly.
Throughout middle school, Keaton developed a strong distaste for girls since they had cooties and were taller than he was.
Throughout high school, Keaton developed a strong attraction for girls since they had boobies and were more flexible than he was.
Keaton started college as an engineering student. Bored by the lectures and fed up with the lack of concave females in his classes, he transferred to physics. Although the average concavity increased, he was filled with emptiness at night since you can't make love to a quark (not even a charm quark!). He settled on economics, the dismal science, as a happy medium. He complements it with additional majors in mathematics and applied gynecology.
Although Keaton doesn't have a job yet, he hopes to find one soon. I mean, come on. Right? Here's a guy who's good at math, can write a word or two, and has (only somewhat suspect) social skills ... shouldn't be too hard, right? RIGHT?
A non-exhaustive list of his powers and abilities, as well as some random facts thrown in for good measure, follows:
He can turn any conversation from good-natured to creepy and awkward in a matter of moments.
He can integrate in his head while humming Ben Folds' Fired"" and playing Halo 3. Speaking of which, he may or may not be able to destroy you at Halo 3.
He likes to play the drums. He thinks he's getting good but he can handle criticism. He'll show you what he knows and you can tell him if you think he's getting better
at the drums.
He can kill a yak from 200 yards away - WITH MIND BULLETS.
He contributes scripts and an ugly face to the Badger Herald comic strip Yourmometer, making him the only simultaneous contributor to BOTH papers.
He can annoy any professor simply by sitting in the front row of the class and completing a crossword puzzle. This power may or may not have been responsible for his rejection
by several graduate programs.
His hatred of centipedes and bees (any sort of insect, really) is bottled and sold as a drug overseas. Rage, by Miller.
He solemnly swears he is up to no good.
He is your raid leader but will let you designate healing assignments if you really want.
He enjoys making obscure popular (well, not that popular) culture references in the hopes that each reader of his column will get at least one of the jokes.
He has the power to move you.
His e-mail address is keatonmiller@wisc.edu.
