As the year draws to a close, many seniors view the last days before graduation as a checklist of last-minute things to accomplish: Pick up robes and hat. Send out invitations. Pass the last few exams. Get wedding dress fitted?
For many students, graduation means both tying up the last four years at UW-Madison and tying the knot. However, that may not be the best plan, according to Lauren Papp, assistant professor in the department of human development and family studies at UW-Madison.
The time following graduation involves some fairly stressful changes for everyone,"" Papp said. ""Adding a major event like a wedding could certainly add stress.""
Other life changes can complicate matters as well, according to Bob McGrath, director of counseling and consultation services at University Health Services.
""[After college] people tend to start drinking a lot less,"" McGrath said. ""They're also, for the first time, investing in ... a career or starting graduate school.""
There are also children to think about, especially if higher education is part of the plan, according to Darald Hanusa, senior lecturer in the school of social work.
""Particularly if you have children, it can make graduate school more difficult,"" Hanusa said.
But he added the stress from major life changes isn't necessarily bad, nor is it temporary.
""While marrying out of college certainly does present some challenges, there are certainly many other challenges along the way that are going to be just as big,"" Hanusa said. ""Fact is, [students] probably have a lot more energy to deal with those kinds of challenges ... than they would years later.""
Take, for instance, UW-Madison students Mary Kressin and Kevin Arbuckle. The pair met in a history of science class in fall of 2006, and got engaged this past November. The wedding is at the end of June, so the planning has been interwoven with their academic lives.
""I've talked to the pastor a few times in between classes,"" Arbuckle said, while Kressin noted that she has called the florist after classes and exams, and gets her dress fitted on the weekends.
Although they will be married in June, neither Arbuckle nor Kressin is graduating, and both will be returning to school in the fall.
According to Arbuckle, his parents were initially surprised at their decision to marry before graduating. Kressin's parents felt the same way.
""They definitely weren't surprised that we got engaged,"" Kressin said. ""But I think they were shocked at the decision to get married this summer.""
For Arbuckle, a junior, part of the decision was based in what might happen after he graduates next spring, with Kressin, a sophomore, still in school for another year.
""If I graduate and for some reason move and I leave her behind, I don't know if I could really deal with that too much,"" Arbuckle said. ""I just kind of want to keep her in my life forever.""
The couple isn't really concerned with balancing
married life with school.
""I think once we told people our plans and how we kind of balance everything in our lives right now and how we were planning to share those balances and to divide them, then everyone felt a lot better about [the marriage],"" Kressin said.
Depending on the couple, marriage can actually help people handle stress and deal with problems, according to Papp.
The key issue, Hanusa said, is not the level of stress present but how the couple communicates.
""There is no way you're going to eradicate stress in your life. There's no way that you're going to get rid of some of those variables. It's better to figure out your strategy for dealing with them,"" Hanusa said. ""Delaying a marriage is not going to help them learn to communicate any better.""
There also needs to be a certain level of commitment to the relationship, according to Hanusa.
""[Many students are] still in a very ... 'me' focus versus 'us' focus,"" Hanusa said. ""Those relationships aren't going to do well but those people are probably going to have difficulty in any relationship, no matter how long they wait.""
What's important, McGrath added, is for the couple to be open about faults and weaknesses.
""[Problems] don't get better when you get married,"" McGrath said. ""If there's some red flags, it's like the red flags just get redder.""
Arbuckle and Kressin have made an effort to discuss all aspects of the relationship, from finances to insurance, future jobs to children.
""We definitely don't want to leave out anything,"" Kressin said. ""We want our lives to improve as we get married, instead of finding ourselves in a deteriorating situation.""
They're both aware of their own personalities as
well.
""We are pretty much the perfect template to get married,"" Arbuckle said. ""She's independent, I'm independent, but we work very well as a team.""
Don't discount instincts, warned McGrath. If a relationship doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
""I think people should ask themselves: How settled are they with their decision?"" McGrath said. ""And if you're not settled, don't go into it with a 'this will probably get better' [attitude].""
Even though age may have less to do with a marriage's success than maturity and communication, Hanusa said the average age of a couple is getting older, often postponing marriage until after graduate-level education.
""You see a lot of people, particularly women, waiting until they get in their 30s [or] mid-30s to get married,"" Hanusa said. ""They're not so concerned about having families.""
According to Papp, in the United States, women on average marry around age 27, while men marry around 29, an attempt, perhaps, to combat rising divorce rates.
""Studies that have linked early age to higher chances of divorcing suggest that marrying younger than [age] 20 is riskier,"" Papp said.
Numbers like these don't scare Arbuckle and Kressin, however.
""I know that I would marry Kevin today. I knew that
I was going to marry him months ago,"" Kressin said. ""I'm looking forward to ... having our eightieth anniversary.""
