Guess where I'm sitting right now, writing this column? Yeah, that's me, hunched over the computer on the third floor of College Library, nearly crying due to my recent misfortune. The computer lab is largely empty because it's still syllabus week, and only serious people with serious majors are thinking about serious things like term papers. Unless you're like me and are in big trouble and you're seriously thinking about being robbed - because you have been.
I would never choose to write on a computer that's not mine, but when you've been robbed, you do things you don't like. You check your e-mail at the Union. Your body sweats on the treadmill in silence since you can't listen to that euro-trash techno playlist on your iPod. You start saving your change and cursing yourself about every 4 seconds. Fuck me. REALLY,"" you think.
I'm cursing myself because the robbery was, in part, my own fault. It was me who left the door unlocked on that fateful Thursday evening, waking up to find that not only had my laptop and iPod had been jacked, but also - worse - my roommate's computer was gone too.
Truthfully, I've never felt worse. It's one thing to be irresponsible when it comes to your own property, but there are few words to offer when it comes to someone else's stuff, besides I'm soooooo sorry.
Mathematically, I've calculated that I'm approximately 43 percent at fault. I came to this conclusion after carefully reconstructing the situation. Self-proclaimed idiot leaves door unlocked. Computers left approximately 7 feet from said door. Robbers have field day. The only reason the robbers are more at fault is that they also burglarized another unit in my complex, who locked their door. When the police told me the robbers went from house to house, trying to break into units with easy-to-reach bling-bling, I hate to
say it, but I felt better.
When misfortune falls upon you, sometimes you learn things - about yourself, your family and friends, and even how sick your sense of humor is. Here are my notes from the weekend from hell:
'¢Jokes can come from unfortunate events, if both you and your roommate have an appreciation for dark humor and costly misfortunes. We've had witty banter going on for days now. Even the ""I wish I could go on Facebook to change my status and elicit sympathy from my friends"" joke hasn't gotten old - yet.
'¢Accidents happen, but you wish they'd happen to the kind of people who deserve misfortune, like those insanely bigoted preachers on Library Mall.
'¢It's good to know that even your dad, who fears Obama's election more than a fiery Armageddon because he's terrified taxes will rise and he'll have to become a streetwalker to make ends meet, is just glad you're OK and will loan you money for a new computer after you listen to a safety lecture. One you probably needed in the first place.
'¢Robbery gives you a sense of perspective. The fact that your body is still in one piece after an intruder has been in your house really makes you realize that a computer is only a machine and you're just glad your roommate didn't get stolen or your brother that lives with you, because then your parents would really hate you.
'¢Writing about how amazing, beautiful, compassionate, kind, forgiving, loving and completely selfless your roommate is can't bring back her computer. But hopefully it can help you get back into your friend's good graces, especially if she's the extremely attractive, intelligent, huge-hearted goddess that is Courtney Gussel.
'¢Having to write a column in College Library isn't the worst thing that can happen to you, even if you're a high maintenance writer with a strict writing routine that can't be done in public due to lack of clothes, horrible choice of pop music, and a strange ritualistic dance. The bottom line is that there can be beauty in the breakdown and it comes in the form of forgiveness and understanding from the people you love and who hopefully, after reading this, still love you too.
If you'd like to donate money to the Spencer/Gussel household or send more compliments to Courtney Gussel, e-mail aaspencer@wisc.edu and I'll forward her your praise.
