It's unfortunate when a movie made for children treats its audience like a bunch of morons, but that's exactly what Beverly Hills Chihuahua"" does.
The movie follows Chloe (voiced by Drew Barrymore), a pampered - you guessed it - Chihuahua from Beverly Hills who gets lost in Mexico and has to find her way home. Along the way, she teams up with Delgado (voiced by Andy Garcia), a renegade cop dog with a troubled past (seriously). The two of them attempt to escape Mexican mafioso Vasquez and his evil dog, Diablo (voiced by Edward James Olmos), who, for some barely explained reason, wants to kidnap Chloe. Meanwhile, Rachel (Piper Perabo) is searching for Chloe with the help of her gardener Sam (Manolo Cardona), and his Chihuahua, Papi (voiced by George Lopez). Oh, and Jamie Lee Curtis shows up every once in a while to remind us that she is still insane.
The worst offense ""Chihuahua"" commits is that the writing is completely lazy, even for a movie about talking dogs. Roughly 50 percent of the dialogue consists of terrible puns and lame dog-related jokes such as, ""Talk to the paw,"" ""He's a hot dog!"" and the worst two-line conversation ever recorded on film: ""I smell like a wet dog."" ""You ARE a wet dog!"" Even elementary-school kids have to roll their eyes at that.
Like the dialogue, the plot alternates between horrible clichés and ridiculous tangential storylines. Rachel and Sam almost have their own love story, but it fizzles out before it even has a chance to get started. Granted, the focus of the movie is on the talking dogs rather than the humans, but that's no excuse for only developing relationships halfway. Several other plot lines are sure to leave parents dumbfounded, like the sandstorm made out of Chihuahuas that fights off four mountain lions, the fact that Chloe can bark loud enough to cause earthquakes or the scene where Chloe's cold, bitch heart melts to ""Hero"" by Enrique Iglesias and she throws her stupid shoes away and embraces her inner dog.
Of course, it would not be a crappy Disney movie without the lamest villains ever. Vasquez and Diablo are an embarrassment to evildoers that make previous Disney villains Prince John from ""Robin Hood"" and Edgar from ""The Aristocats"" comparable to Hitler and Stalin. Vasquez comes across as an enormous joke, especially when someone claims he has informants in every pound in Mexico. In his defense, it's hard to appear menacing when staring into a dog's eyes and threatening it with, ""You are in a lot of trouble."" Not to ruin the ending (as if you cared), but the villains are defeated by being pushed onto their backs.
Let's face it, no kid is going to be this picky. There is enough slapstick humor and adorable, talking dogs to please even the most cynical child. Most adults won't be able to deny that the dogs are all cute, which is the only thing saving the movie from being a total failure. But the question parents have to ask is if they really want to feed their kids this phoned-in, lazy crap, or if they would prefer to entertain them with thought-provoking entertainment, like anything made by Pixar or even satisfying their urge for talking dogs by throwing ""Lady and the Tramp"" in the VCR. Just because they're kids doesn't mean everything needs to be dumbed down.
Grade: D
