My version of hell used to be an eternally cheeseless existence in a blistering Mexican desert with no sunscreen, water or amusing tour guide with a thick moustache. That's until I watched a 17 Kids and Counting"" marathon.
In case you're not familiar with this show, TLC chronicles the lives of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, high school sweethearts raising 17 children whose names all start with ""J"" - from the oldest, Joshua, to baby Jennifer. I feel bad for the kid who got stuck with Jedidiah. I mean, really - he's never going to be as popular as Jason and Justin, and he'll probably be a slow reader. By the way, Duggars, I'm pretty sure spelling Jinger with a ""J"" raises the probability that she'll become a stripper.
Because these two parents hump like rabbits and most likely don't believe in a little plastic thing called a condom, they are expecting another gift from God and will probably name it something like Jambajuicejesusjaja.
At first glance, they may nauseate you with the apple-cheeked smiles and the feel-good family fun they manage to have every episode. Throw-up will bubble in your throat as you watch the children do their chores in each of their ""jurisdictions,"" which the Duggers assign so each kiddie knows their responsibilities.
In the Spencer family house, you don't get a ""jurisdiction."" You get death threats, brawls over dirty bathrooms and a request from your mom to have family psychiatrist sessions led by your dog Mini. You don't do any chores until your mom has a nervous breakdown, calls you a ""worthless piece of shit"" and hides your car keys in a place you'd never look, like the cabinet she keeps all the cleaning
supplies in.
That's one of the worst parts about this show: seeing a family of 19, clad in clothing reminiscent of the Amish, function better than your own small family ever could, even while washing their monthly 200 loads of laundry.
And although their hunky-dory family shit is certainly hard to digest, their dating rules are perhaps the most extreme departure from normality.Duggar children are encouraged to go on chaperoned dates and save their first kiss until marriage. The kids refer to these guidelines as the ""courtship rituals,"" a term I haven't heard since my freshman anthropology class.
The oldest son, Joshua, 20, is engaged and has yet to kiss his fiancée, a fact I find sadly adorable. Josh says one of the things that attracted him most to Anna was that she reminded him of his mother. Weird. See, when I get married, I hope my husband will be like my father to a healthy extent - he'll probably own a four-door car, have an equal liking for beer and biking, and have a decent personality (when he's not watching the prices of his stocks tumble). But unlike my dad, he'll be able to change light bulbs and have a full head of thick hair and a fondness for the arts - and Dad, if you're reading this, your Hooters calendar is still in no way artsy.
At first glance, the Duggar family's old-fashioned views on dating, family and fashion itself seem all wrong - kind of like an underfed Wisconsin girl. But then, if you really watch and look past their unflattering cardboard-color skirts, you might wonder if maybe they're the ones getting it right in a totally corrupt world.
I know Josh Duggar has never gotten an e-mail informing him that his make-out friend has a girlfriend he didn't know existed. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any embarrassing photos of him on Mifflin biting a guy dressed as a giant hotdog. But even after thinking about it that way, I couldn't imagine doing anything differently. For the moment, I'm having fun just living my life like T.I. and Rihanna, because I have all the time in the world when I reach 80 and become boring and sexless enough to repent for my sins.
It's always good to see the other side of something, even if it's something you hardly understand or relate to at all. You'll feel inspired and might even consider being fat, sweaty and pregnant for 135 months of your life.
Do you worship a higher power? Tell Ashley about your fanaticism - whether it's for Jesus Christ or Perez Hilton - at aaspencer@wisc.edu.
