Are you at least 18 years of age, semi-abnormal and looking for a place to live next semester? If not, do you know someone who fits that description?
Perhaps a friend who's studying abroad in some swank city in Europe, but needs a hole to live in when he or she comes back for the winter? If so, fill out the form at the bottom, stick it in an envelope with your name, address and phone number and drop it off at The Daily Cardinal's office, 2142 Vilas Hall, to enter this year's most exciting contest: Win THE BEST ROOM in Ashley Spencer's STELLER PAD!!!! OMG!
Now, let me tell you more about the prize. Due to a recent vacancy in my house, there's one stunning room in my basement available for rent. Not only do you get a large room with not one, but TWO beds, you have access to free laundry and a stunning kitchen and, yes, we'll even let you use the bathroom for pooping and showering. No need to trek to the outhouse. If I select you out of the thousand people that are sure to apply for this contest, we'll negotiate a fair rent somewhere in the mid-hundred thousands. But let's not get caught up in the specifics. The thing that matters is that we get along swell, and you don't get all that irritated when I use the last roll of toilet paper, put the Brita pitcher back in the fridge with just a sliver of water in it and make up my own vulgar love songs in the shower.
Interested parties should consider if their lives are exciting enough to write about, as I am always interested in exploiting my roommates' lives to meet deadline and make other people laugh at their expense. Sex addicts (band members), varsity athletes and Biddy Martin are all encouraged to apply. If selected, you must sign a waiver giving me sole discretion when it comes to your life entering my columns. If you do anything that makes me laugh or fart uncontrollably, you will be integrated; if you turn out to be a lame duck who basically shits, sleeps and eats at home, I'll just pretend you do not exist and write you out of my life. Literally.
Members of the opposite sex are encouraged to apply, especially if they are semi-decent looking, have blue eyes or look like James Franco. If you have a girlfriend, please don't bring her over or tell her about the illicit affairs I intend to have with you in order to make living with you incredibly awkward, thereby giving me more column material. As for those hickeys I plan on giving you, we'll worry about those later, but keep in mind that you will probably, at some point, be bitten. If you're not the cutest bunny in the yard, but you're hysterical, especially in a Jonah Hill-like way, you can still apply. I am, after all, all about equal opportunity, even for the facially impaired.
Of course, girls, too, can live with me by all means. In fact, I prefer the fairer sex, since they are definitely less mentally stable, thereby keeping things real, fresh and interesting. The more weirdos you've slept with, the more prescriptions you're on and the more slutty clothes you have that I can borrow,"" all add up and make me almost want to let you live with me for FREE - but not quite. But don't worry, it will be fun - we'll be like the Olsen twins, and I get to be Ashley 'cause that's my name anyway, plus she's prettier, less elfy and didn't kill Heath Ledger. But I digress.
I'd also like to encourage those of American Indian descent to apply, as I have always been a fan and would like to make my living environment as diverse as possible - we already have a member of the gay community and two white girls who both come from a rough upper-class upbringing in nice houses with pools. We're all about embracing differences. Here's the attached form:
NAME: / AGE: / PHONE:
WHY I WANT TO LIVE WITH ASHLEY IN 100+ WORDS (feel free to write more):
The deadline for this application is not concrete. Anyone who is a science major who must study, has serious backne or actually likes the show ""My Name is Earl"" will automatically be disqualified. Digital applications can also be sent via e-mail. Tours are available for a small fee.
If you are, in fact, seriously looking for a place to live, Ashley is seriously looking for a roommate and sees nothing wrong with exploiting her space in the Cardinal. E-mail aaspencer@wisc.edu with any inquiries.
