\We're on a mission from God,"" Missy told the cashier at the gas station. He gave her a confused look and gingerly handed me back my debit card.
Then some little old woman behind us in line offered us a short picture book on the Good Word.
When we got back to the car I told Missy that the grocery store and a beer run didn't qualify as a mission from God. In fact, He would probably frown on the beer part.
But she had been acting weird all day. First she had called her roommate a smelly pirate hooker as we left their house, then told the teller at the bank that she felt the need for speed because the line was taking forever and now she was creeping people out at the gas station.
Unbeknownst to me, Missy was trying to win a bet. Her roommate Kim had bet her she couldn't go the entire day speaking only in movie quotes. Sounds like a fun idea, but as Kim neglected to tell me this small detail I had no idea why Missy was holding a flashlight under her chin and whispering, ""I see dead people,"" over and over.
We finally got to the grocery store and headed to the alcohol aisle first. Kim and Missy were having a party at their place later, so we had to pick up supplies.
Megan: I don't know how many people are coming over, do you think we should get a 24-pack or a 30-pack?
Missy: You're killing me, smalls.
Megan: Okay, 30 pack it is.
Missy: You're killing me, smalls!
Megan: Geez, okay we'll get two. Settle down.
Shopping was pretty uneventful. Missy would wander around mumbling about a Swingline stapler and burning the building down. Occasionally she would grab odd cans of food and yell, ""As God as my witness, I will never be hungry again!"" I was beginning to get suspicious and all the other customers were doing their best to avoid us.
Missy was asking me to say hello to her little friend, a bottle of Aunt Jemima, when we saw a young woman who was clearly upset. I asked her what was wrong, and she had just seen her boyfriend in the store with his arm around another woman. She couldn't decide whether to confront him or not. I tried comforting her, but Missy had it under control. She guided the young woman in front of a frozen food cooler, and had her stare in the reflective door.
Missy: Look in the mirror, and tell me what you see!
Woman: I see frozen waffles and Hot Pockets.
Missy: You see Junior?
Woman: Yeah... wait, what? What the hell are you talking about?
Missy: Well, let me tell you what I see. I see pride! I see power! I see a badass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody!
I realized she was quoting ""Cool Runnings,"" but it was still inspiring. As the young woman repeated the mantra, she worked up the courage to confront her ex. She marched over as Missy continued to yell encouraging movie quotations, including an offer to shove him into a ""glass case of emotion"" with the aforementioned Hot Pockets.
Kim was clearly not entertained when we got back to the house and Missy fell into her arms pretending to weep and whispering, ""You had me at hello,"" between sobs. Kim dropped her.
Missy was now in hour 13 of her movie quoting, and there was no end in sight. Kim was getting desperate. Turns out the bet had been Kim would buy Missy a movie for every hour she went talking only in quotations. Pretty soon Kim could end up in rent trouble. But I had a plan.
Softly I began to sing, ""Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner."" She knew it was a trap. That song is simply irresistible. With each refrain her foot began to tap, her smile to grow and for some reason she began to play air guitar. With Kim and I both singing our 14th refrain Missy finally exploded in a triumphant, ""EVERYONE WOULD BE IN LOVE WITH ME!""
Undone by a TV commercial, Missy sulked into the kitchen. She sat at the table and grabbed a can of beer. Cueing the cheesy music, she cracked her beer and whispered, ""Here's looking at you, kid.""
If you think you could make it a whole day quoting movies, feel free to challenge Megan and her friends at mcorbett2@wisc.edu.
