Perhaps pop music has never been a hotbed of careful, deep lyrics. But the recent glut of ridiculous, shallow bullshit being passed off for lyrics cannot go unmentioned.
There is no better place to start than Beyonce's ""Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)."" Since I already wrote an entire column devoted to how much this song sucks, I will simply list some of the specific lyrical features that contribute to this song's god-awfulness. First, the song claims to be about empowering singlehood, but instead focuses on putting ""a ring on it."" Second, the lyrics read like a clingy drunk dial. And lastly, the lyrics quote Buzz Lightyear.
The Plain White T's deserve some mention for their song, ""1,2,3,4."" Although this song attempts cleverness by playing with homonyms, it comes off as cute in a middle school sort of way rather than being endearing or clever. More importantly, didn't Brian McKnight already do this? In 1999?
Another song polluting the airwaves with its lyrics is Soulja Boy's ""Kiss Me Through The Phone."" At first, I thought the song might be a thinly veiled reference to something more explicit along the lines Bob Dylan's ""Tambourine Man"" or The Beatles' ""I Wanna Hold Your Hand."" But after several repeated listens, I'm fairly certain that this song really is just about distracting a significant other when you're going to flake out on them. I kept hoping that there would be some hint of a deeper meaning than just an excuse, but neither the lyrics nor the music video give any reason to believe that Soulja Boy is anything but a shallow dumbass.
Unsurprisingly, Britney Spears' latest song ""Circus"" also features shockingly bad lyrics. In contrast to Soulja Boy's infantile straightforwardness, however, the lyrics to ""Circus"" read like a sixth grader's English homework on similes. First, Britney claims that she's ""like a ringleader"" because she ""[calls] the shots."" Then she compares herself to a ""firecracker"" because she makes ""it hot."" I'm not totally sure what ringleaders actually do, so I won't comment on that imagery, but I've played with firecrakers enough to know that they really just make noise. They don't actually create heat. Ironically, ""pop"" could have been inserted instead of ""hot,"" and the lyric would actually make sense. Apparently, however, making sense was not as important as Britney saying the word ""hot.""
Rounding out our examination of shitty lyrics is the instant classic ""I Love College"" by Asher Roth. This is a song entirely devoted to extolling the douchebag life, from lyrics about cheap liquor and shitty beer to the house rules for beer pong. Although I will not pretend to be morally outraged about a song that promotes binge drinking, drug use, hazing, and taking advantage of drunk girls, this may be the dumbest song ever, especially for actual college students. Drinking happens. At parties, not at parties, on weekends, on Tuesday mornings. Big effing deal. This might as well have been a song about the joys of crossing a street, or perhaps the excitement of filling out a job application. Parties are fun. No kidding.
However, Mr. Roth has achieved something truly astounding with this song. Experts were shocked to find that Asher has packed an amount of douchiness into one song that was previously thought impossible. Years from now, musicologists will still marvel that he managed to do so without harming himself. Now, if only the experts could figure out how he took Eminem's vocal style and made it more obnoxious.
Tell Dale how sick you are of him criticizing ""Single Ladies"" at dpmundt@wisc.edu.
