Ed. Note: Pussy David is ""just swamped"" with schoolwork. Davis Scrottinger has agreed to fill in.
Dear Davis,
How can I convince my girlfriend we're ready to take things to the next level?
-Brody, College Court
If there is one thing the ladies are concerned about these days, Brody, it's their purity. Like jersey chasers to Jon Leuer at Monday's, women will cling to their perch upon that pedestal that their moms told them to keep themselves on unless the men in their lives succeed in dragging them off it. Therefore, it's not so much about convincing, Brody, but persisting. And being opportunistic. It's the oldest story ever written: boy finds girl, girl likes attention from boy, boy spends money on girl, boy and girl get drunk at house party and wake up the next day in a closet together. Your best asset here will be your tenacity; envision yourself as an immoral iron ball around her leg, constantly tugging her downward until she is too tired to resist. The law of gravity will be on your side; she's up now, but it's just a matter of time before she starts going down.
I assume you've been intimate with this girl for some time now, so by ‘next level' I take it you mean you want what all men eventually want: to start necking. You've probably progressed past all the stages of hand-holding, right up through kinky-ass hand sex. You two may have even dabbled in mutual backsturbation, taking turns rubbing the nether-regions of each other's shoulders and lower backs. That stuff's all good and swell, but as your question indicates, it gets old after a while. All couples eventually discover that touching is like cocaine; it feels good, but it doesn't take long before you have to do twice as much to get half the jolt. Also, if you do it long enough in a certain way your nose will start bleeding, but that's really neither here nor there and I wouldn't recommend picking your girlfriend's nose, anyway.
I go to great lengths to provide my question-askers with reliable, accurate and, most importantly, practical answers that are completely based on my own opinions and limited life experience. That said, I did a little investigatory journalism for this one to make sure you get nothing but the best advice, Brod-man. I spoke with a rep from the campus org Making-Out Out Loud, which promotes safe and stimulating necking practices among students. The guy went on and on for a long time, so I sort of stopped paying attention, but I think the jist of his spiel was to wear a dental-dam when you do it. I'm not sure if he really understood what I was getting at, but in any event I realized that that advice wasn't going to help you much. So I went the extra mile and began dating four girls simultaneously to discover just what was the best way to ""take things to the next level,"" aka drag her down to my level.
But before I share my findings, Bro, you have to be sure you really want to take the next step. Once you start touching tongues, it doesn't take long before heavy petting gets incorporated into the sessions, and after that there's really nothing left to do but get married. So I'd recommend you think long and hard about whether you could see yourself sticking your tongue in her mouth for the rest of your life. If the answer is yes, then here's what you do:
You talk about it with her. I know, I know I said all that stuff about weighing her down and getting drunk in closets, but really the best thing for couples to do is communicate. Be very straightforward. Tell her you're still super stoked to be dating her, cuz you like really like her and all—and she has a smoking bod—but that if she doesn't start putting out more then you'll have no choice but to leave her for her older sister, who everybody knows is a loose goose. It's called tough love. (If she starts crying after that, you're halfway home; girls are really vulnerable when they get all emotional.)
After the talk, just start sprinkling a little body glitter on your chest before you see her next (girls say they don't like a guy in body glitter. Well guess what: they do). You two will be swapping spit within a week.
Got any more brain busters? Email dhottinger@wisc.edu.
