Things are finally looking up. The Dow Jones Industrial is up over eight percent the past month, erasing much of the slide that occurred at the end of January and continued through February. With such an increase, there is little doubt that investments will decline any time soon. States are receiving money from President Obama's bailout bill, and pretty soon, private investors will be taking up assets as toxic as nuclear waste and turning a profit from them. The country has very nearly pulled itself out of the recession and the world will soon follow.
With such good news, unemployment rates will soon be on the decline as small businesses and corporations alike create jobs. There has even been discussion that jobs will be paid based on need, with skill playing a minor role when considering compensation. As government expands, the number of jobs in this sector will also grow; such jobs will ensure the safety and natural rights of all citizens. Such natural rights include free health care, the ability to watch TV through a digital signal, and the Equal Pay Act, which guarantees that everyone in the U.S. is paid a yearly salary of $80,000 regardless of citizenship. We are nearly in a twenty-first century Renaissance when such rights are protected!
To lead us into the Renaissance and new age of prosperity, we have the stellar leadership of President Obama. With his proposed budget, we will finally eradicate debt on both the national and individual level. In fact, debt will soon be outlawed! The social programs outlined will increase the welfare and standard of living of each individual while redistributing the wealth from the undeserving and scheming rich to those who truly need it. These people include individuals who have been at a disadvantage from birth, persons who have suffered unfortunate circumstances, or those who just prefer an alternative work week where you get weekdays off and work the weekend.
Included in the proposed budget is a well-vetted plan for a $1.25 trillion perpetual motion machine which, once started, will provide all of the free green energy required by generations to come. Revenue from the energy produced by this machine will also stimulate the housing market and aid in shifting the aforementioned toxic assets so that lending can once again take place. The end of our economic concerns is certain under the leadership of President Obama.
As the world follows us out of the global recession, we are as good as gold. For one, the value of the U.S. dollar has never been stronger. Do not let those ""experts"" tell you otherwise; the printing of money means there is more money in circulation and therefore there is more money to spend. With many nations backing their own currency on the good-ole-greenback, they will never suffer negative externalities from the actions of the Treasury Department, but will only profit from the advancement of the U.S. economy out of any recession.
For the poor fool who believes anything I wrote in this article, I have only one thing to say: Happy April Fools' Day! The joke is on you. We, as a nation, have a long way to go. We can no sooner turn nuclear waste into viable potting soil as we can turn debt into profit, and the civilized world will end when income is linked to need instead of skill. Alas, the current situation and the actions of Congress and the president are not just a prolonged April Fools' joke, nor a disturbing dream from which we will soon awake.
Sean McMaster is a junior majoring in biochemistry and mathematics. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
