In a press release late Monday evening, the Wisconsin Union Directorate announced plans to begin utility work at the Memorial Union Terrace next week, a construction project which will temporarily delay the official spring opening of the Terrace for up to 18 weeks.
Citing the slightly sub-par sewer drainage between Memorial Union and Lake Mendota, union officials said it is urgent that construction begin immediately and extend interminably. Tony Shapiro, spokesperson for WUD, explained the decision in an e-mail.
""The lake has just thawed, and the weather is finally beginning to turn, so just like students, our thoughts immediately turned to the Terrace ... and to deciding which construction project we could possibly implement to further mar our beautiful campus.""
Similar to the utility work that has occupied Library Mall since as long as anyone can remember, the Sudden Hacking-up to Interrupt Terrace will consist of tearing up the entire existing surface of the Terrace so that noisy construction crews can dig gigantic gaping holes under it and then putz around for four months, not appearing to do much work at all.
According to Shapiro, while the work is in progress the Terrace area will be surrounded by ugly chain link fences with dumb flyers taped all over and beer sales will be suspended for the duration. When asked if SHIT would extend to even that area of the Terrace up by the Union Theatre, Shapiro replied that he had not thought of doing that, but ""now that you mention it, yes.""
The announcement was, of course, met with a few grumbles, though WUD assures us that only narrow and short-sighted people would fail to see the project's immediate necessity. When told of the plans, UW senior and sunset enthusiast James Osborne stated he would ""blow up Bascom, then,"" before falling into an epileptic fit and convulsing. Yet thanks to the huge number of other construction projects clogging up campus, the UW student body has been largely understanding.
""I guess that's just how it goes,"" said junior and just-turned-21 Melanie Spitz. ""The Terrace has been closed for, like, six months. What's another four or five?""
WUD announced that while SHIT is in progress, an interim Union Terrace will be set up in the parking lot of the old UHS building. Beer sales at the new site will be discontinued.
