While divulging every embarrassing detail of your personal life at the expense of your relationships, privacy and dignity once a week for two years may seem like a simple task, but it actually requires quite a bit of dedication.'
In addition to relevant experience and good references, potential employers often look for evidence of loyalty or commitment when reviewing candidates.'""
Assuming I'm not offered head writer at the Onion right out of school,'""or at least Dan Savage's apprentice, I have to figure out a way to'""capitalize on my column writing experience without actually saying what I've really been doing: finding different ways to show the world I'm a'""creepy weirdo in hopes that someone will find it funny and my family will continue speaking to me.'""
I've spent the past few days trying to figure out how to achieve'""this enigmatic balance along the various steps of the job application process.'""'""
Resume (reporting)'""'""
Page Two columnist, The Daily Cardinal
2007-2009'""
Kept my peers informed in a weekly column on student issues including how to be an underage drinker at 22, awkwardness in social'""situations with Badger Herald staff and sexual attraction to household appliances.
Resume (public relations)'""'""
Page Two columnist/Self Promoter
2007-2009'""
With my cunning wit alongside frequent references to my large breasts '""and protruding buttocks, I turned around quite a profit this year in the selling of self industry. My keen marketing skills allowed me to skip'""right over the entry level street corner position and start as a call girl.
Cover Letter (newspaper)'""'""
Dear Mr. Whoever,'""'""
My experience as a Page Two columnist at the Daily Cardinal taught me to '""be an independent and innovative writer. My readers came to see me as a respectable authority in making an ass of myself. When I felt that'""I was running low on ideas, I coaxed my friends and family into revealing to me their most intimate secrets and then printed them.
This experience also turned me into an extremely independent person, as most'""of my relationships came to an end because of ""trust issues,"" although I'""think people were just jealous of my talent.
As a reporter at your newspaper, you can be sure I will never hesitate'""to exploit my sources or any personal relationships I have for the good'""of the story. I will also sell my body for interviews.
Cover Letter (public relations)'""'""
Dear Whatever,'""'""
All the popular kids at my school were Page Two columnists. I am a Page '""Two columnist. Buy my super- sexy four-speed blender and you'll be popular too.'""See how I did that? It's all about logical reasoning, which they taught'""me well during my years as a Daily Cardinal columnist. It's like'""going from point A to B and then B to C. I took advantage of this tactic on a weekly basis while writing my column.
For example, I often write about my boyfriend, Jeff, in my column. One time, a hot Coors promotion girl hit on him in an elevator but he turned her down because of me, his girlfriend.
Therefore, in my column I concluded that I am hotter than all the promotion girls in Madison. I also beat her with my four-speed blender, and that makes me hot and awesome.
Also, I think it would be to your advantage to have a campus celebrity on your team. Once my picture started appearing alongside my column once a week, I could hardly go anywhere without being trailed by the paparazzi or signing dozens of autographs. There's also an active student organization here in Madison dedicated to worshipping me called Taking Kiera Businessism.
You should also know that I'm a dedicated self-starter. I began a new religion/student org on campus that is petitioning to make every Tuesday when my column runs a national holiday. We currently boast three loyal members. Me, the founder/president, my boyfriend, Jeff, and Penelope, my guinea pig.
E-mail President/Founder of Taking Kiera Businessism at wiatrak@wisc.edu to join the club.
