I think everyone can think of a point in their lives where they'd like to hit the rewind button and completely re-live a moment of disgrace, stupidity or bad luck. I, having been a pristine example of how not to do things at many, many points in my life, naturally think these types of thoughts quite often. However, I am educated to some degree, and though I've dabbled with the possibility of time travel, I have never come close enough to finding anything on the Internet to get my hopes up on the subject (though I'm still looking).
As far as I can tell, the only surefire way to feel better about making an ass of yourself is to put your shame aside and see the humor in the situation. For example, when I took a turn on my twin-speed far too fast and flew over my handlebars on University, spilling coffee all over my new shirt, I was pissed, and I knew people all around me were stifling giggles under their ""concerned"" looks. Instead of becoming irate and throwing things like I usually do, I sat there and laughed my ass off, and it felt great.
I wanted to share this life realization with my fellow schoolmates, so I sent out a mass e-mail to a good chunk of the UW student body, asking for degrading, embarrassing situations that they'd like to have publicly ridiculed. The responses were overwhelming, and instead of just presenting these stories in a half-assed, semifunny paragraph format, I figured I'd tell the stories through limericks. If you're one of the few not familiar with 18th century European comedy, a limerick is a five-line poem, usually vulgar and comedic in nature... perfect for our purposes. These names have not been changed, and the stories are true. Let us begin.
Amber Witherspoon, Infected:
Joining a sorority was Amber's ambition
She went to a social, her informal audition
Shared a few slurpees
Now she's got herpes
She needed some friends, but got a physician.
Stewart Greenbaum, Junior:
Gameday was rough for thirsty old Stew
Drank too much, and on his girlfriend did spew
Called her friends sluts
Then got kicked in the nuts
His friends are still waiting, for him to come to.
Lars Kraut, Freshman:
There once was a freshman named Lars
Who needed a fake for the bars
Paid a guy on the Web
But got robbed instead
Now all he can buy is cigars
Caroline Singer, Junior:
Love didn't come easy to poor Caroline
So to find a partner, she ventured online
A date she arranged
But the guy was deranged
Her first restraining order, she soon did sign.
Samuel Rivers, Idiot:
Sam got far too blazed, and was convinced he could fly
So he mounted his window, his friends, yelled ""You'll die!""
He jumped out like a lemur
Then shattered his femur
Now only on ground level, will Sam ever get high.
Nate Shawston, Former Sophomore:
Calc wasn't too simple for plain-minded Nate
He struggled all night just to integrate
He crafted a cheat sheet
Slipped it under his seat
Got caught, and now works for the interstate.
Have embarrassing moments to get off your chest? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu to let it all out.
