Man, there's nowhere to sit! Maybe I should have come to class earlier... oh, wait, there's a spot.
OK, cool. OK, not cool at all, actually. Shit! I'm sitting behind The Couple!
Alright, play it casual. Just ignore them, you've seen this more than once. And they're not even touching yet...woah, that's strange for them. Maybe they're in a fight today, but then again, what can a couple that can't keep their hands off each other for more than a spoken sentence fight about—who wants to spoon who more?! Or maybe he's mad because he's not getting any, but that couldn't be the case either because of the copious amount of public display of—oh my God... it's begun.
It always starts with the Head to Shoulder Graze. OK, don't stare, just get out your notebook before it gets too steamy. Is this what ""necking"" is, Grandma? You're right, Grams, necking is very immoral, and no one should ever do it, ever, or at least not in front of a 200-person lecture hall, in the THIRD ROW CENTER.
Just take your mind off it. What section are we doing today... no. NO. Reproduction. Reproduction in lions. THE WORST KIND! ""Lions have the ability to copulate about 40 times in a span of 24 hours."" Please, please don't apply this to your life, guys, I really can't stand to see it today, I—oh, no. Hand Tenderly in Hair. Hand Tenderly in Hair warning! See this everyone?! Petting. He is petting his girlfriend, and she is scrunching up her nose in response. Wow, how freaking adorable of her. No, don't lean closer to her. She doesn't deserve this attention, all she is doing is resembling a rabbit! Is that what gets you going, man?! I guess this is Zoology, but for God's sake, leave your animal fetishes at home!
Oh. My. Fricking. Eskimo Kiss. How precious. I have no words for this. I did not enroll in 100-level Zoology to see two people rub their noses together. What is this, the Hallmark channel? Are we in a Christmas special here, people? Oh, did he just whisper something funny to you, Tori Spelling? He must be hilarious because you're giggling like a fifth-grader at a Truth or Dare party. Wait a minute! Just because he made a joke does not mean you have to put your hand on his thigh! There are much better ways to reward humor that don't involve passionate caressing!
I don't feel so well. All this Second-Hand Intimacy is too much to handle. Is it wrong for me to be even more disgusted because they both have medically incurable acne? A public love fest is one thing, but a public love fest that contains the exchange of bodily fluids in the form of face grease is a completely different story.
What! They stopped? Holy crap, they must be breaking up because there's just no other explanation for this behavior. Now I can finally relax and maybe listen to this lecture. Oh, for the love of all things holy, I think she just put her face in his lap! What?! DO THEY NOT COMPREHEND THAT THEY ARE STAINING DOZENS OF INNOCENT, OR AT LEAST DECENT MINDS?! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM, ""NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR FELLAT—"" OK, she was just getting Chapstick from her backpack. But still! Now there's only one thing that can happen, only one God-forsaken thing! I-I can't take this anymore. It's been what, thirteen weeks? Thirteen long, oily and intimate weeks. If I see those two pairs of gruesome, puckering and dehumanizing lips come within three centimeters of each other, I am bolting! Or vomiting, I haven't decided yet. Shit, he's going for it. I feel faint! I'm going to leave! I-I-...
This public service announcement made possible by The Daily Cardinal: In-class PDA is not acceptable. Not only is it inherently wrong and unappealing visually and mentally, but the effects of Second-Hand Intimacy can also have detrimental consequences on innocent observers and passersby, and as relayed in this account, can include everything from nausea to fainting. Please, stop. No, seriously, stop. I need to get a good grade in this class and I can't do that when there are two people copulating directly in front of me. Thanks, from all of us, but mainly me, the V.P. at evanpay@wisc.edu.
