Deer Cardinal,
I ate way too much at home over Thanksgiving and gained 10 pounds. What's the fastest way to work off that excess weight?
-Carl C.
Hot Carl-—
The Deer Cardinal's patented guide to weight loss relies not on major changes to your life, but simple shortcuts and small restrictions. Most diets tell people to cut things out of their life, like dessert or saturated fats. Well, the Deer Cardinal has you cut out the little things too.
First, you need to cut off all your hair, and shave your whole body. What good does your hair do you? It's just excess poundage, hanging on your body like lead. Next, wear only the most light-weight clothes or, if socially acceptable, wear none. Clothing can account for almost four pounds of your total weight, and getting rid of it can be a huge boon. Finally, cut out all your unnecessary organs. Still have your appendix? It'll probably flare up at some point anyway, so you might as well ditch it while you can. You've got two kidneys, so the sensible thing to do is get rid of one. Heck, if you donate it, you'll be seen as the thinnest, most in-shape hero around.
Finally, get rid of that pesky liver of yours. We all know that your liver stopped being useful after it finally kicked the bucket during the infamous ""Jose Cuervo Massacre"" the night of your 21st birthday. With these tips in mind, you can become the hottest bald nudist organ donor around in a matter of days!
Deer Cardinal,
We only have three weeks until Christmas break, and we just got done with Thanksgiving! How can I stay motivated when I know rest and relaxation is so close?
-Harry B.
Dirty Harry—
I know what you mean. Heck, I'm still sitting at home, comfortably eating turkey leftovers in my boxers while watching reruns of ""Bewitched"" on TV Land. Motivation can be so hard to come by, so instead, I suggest that you forego the last three weeks of the semester, and continue your break at home.
Sure this may seem a bit senseless, but your continued relaxation is priceless. So, instead of heading back to school and stressing over those three projects, two papers and four finals, find ways to be creative. Pay a friend to set up hidden microphones in your lecture halls. Attend all your group meetings via Skype and claim you have Swine Flu. Tell your younger brother you'll do all his chores for the next year if he shows up at Vilas 2195 with your student ID and employs all the cheating methods you've taught him over the years.
With any luck, you'll squeak by with C's in your courses, all while eating ice cream and watching every single ""Ernest"" movie. And if you fail? At least you went out in style.
Still at home watching reruns of ""Bewitched"" and want to share your favorite moments? Write to the Deer Cardinal to find out his at deercardinal@dailycardinal.com.
