You'd better shut your mouth because this girl wearing some sort of velour unitard/dress now converted into a skirt/T-shirt with a giant stain on it probably has a speech to make. And I'm sure it's meaningful because she's getting up on her kitchen chair as we speak. Personally, I only trust information, news and factlets that I receive from inebriated people three feet in the air because, after all, that's how I learned about the snow day and the final scores of the last four football games of the season (even though I had already known hours prior, but that's not the point).
Here she goes! ""Everybody! Oh my GOD! EVERYBODY BE QUIET! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ASSHOLES! I'M SERIOUS! RACHEL, WILL YOU HELP ME?! CLOSE THE DOOR! I SAID CLOSE THE DOOR!"" I am simply captivated. I've found that the best and most efficient way to get a crowd to listen is to belittle them to no end while locking them in a small, sticky kitchenette. Isn't that how the Gettysburg Address began? Except I don't think Lincoln needed to stand on a chair, I mean, he was like seven feet tall, right?
""I know that we are all gathered here today to celebrate the two week anniversary of Mr. Dewey Dingleheimer the dwarf hamster's adoption into our family..."" Pathos has been established, my friend. This girl is already appealing to my heartstrings in the first line of her speech! I should just get the tissues ready now. ""But I'm really, really, really, really happy that..."" (Would you just savor that emphasis for a minute?) ""JIMMY! GET BACK IN HERE!""
What?! How dare James try to evade this highly pragmatic address that would put even Winston Churchill to shame! I can't possibly think of anything better or more beneficial for that young man to do than stand shoulder to shoulder in a 90° room that reeks of Marlboros, Keystone and swass! For shame.
""Okay! Thanks for helping me this time, Rachel. Haha! Love you, hun! Let me start over. I—""
...Ugh, what just happened? Why am I so groggy? Man, my head hurts...
""And then, last night when we were putting Dew Dew in his rolly-ball, he did this cute little thing where he—""
Oh my God! I must have passed out from the extreme lack of oxygen in this 9x12 foot windowless space I'm forced to share with 50 other people! How awful! I must have missed about, what time is it now, almost all of this half-hour riveting speech!
""And we were like, Dew Dew! You're so kew kew! But that's my baby! Isn't that right, lil Mr. Dewdy poo poo? Dew dewpoo poo poo! Dewdy—AGH!""
She's down! Oh, dear Lord, she's down! How could someone have done this to one of the most celebrated orators of the 21st century?! Everything she said was cogent! EVERYTHING! I am certain that during my temporary loss of consciousness that not a single fallacy came out of her drooling, slurring mouth! The most intelligent and logical person on earth has been assassinated. I have nothing to live for, I—oh, she just broke a heel? Self-assassination? Why, that's brilliant! It had to have been planned! Her conclusion has simply reinforced all of her previous premises, and I can't say I've ever seen such visuals or hard evidence in a speech!
If you would like to share a great speech or celebrated moment in history with VP, please email her at evanpay@wisc.edu. Please, let them be warranted.
