Several things in life come with a manual— the dishwasher, your digital camera, the Tamagotchi you had in middle school— but only in college are the required actions of your own life completely provided for you, in four pages or less.
Say hello to Mr. DARS. Otherwise known as the:
—Degree Audit Reporting System
—Don't Actually Read Sheet
—Damn Annoying Required Shit
This guide is the prix fixe menu of college course consumption, informing all students of what classes they need to take to graduate. With plate after plate of general requirements within and outside your major, it's no wonder our minds and bodies can feel a little weighted down. And they say the freshman 15 is only for freshman? Ha!
Yes, the DARS report is a cluttered, complicated, convoluted platter of numbers and abbreviations—it makes hieroglyphics look like Dr. Seuss! Nonetheless, it's hard denying one thing: it's helpful. When life seems just downright confusing, wouldn't it be nice to have a DARS report, telling you where you stand and what you need to succeed?
Provided below are prospective reports of three common events in life: Thanksgiving celebration with family, the first date, and winter break from college. Perhaps these guides can be of a little assistance. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures!
The Thanksgiving With Family DARS Report
General Familial Requirements
1. Ten hugs within five minutes of arrival
2. Succinct ""yes"" or ""no"" responses to two questions, ""Are you doing well in school?"" and ""Are you dating someone?""
3. One acknowledgement of your obnoxious aunt who can't quite keep her mouth shut
4. Two ""You look great!""s to the cousin in polka dot and paisley and the obese uncle who sleeps and drools at the table
Meal Consumption
1. Pass the marshmallow yams and turkey to the person on your left and right
2. Intercept every chew with a ""Gosh, this food is incredible"" and ""What is this? Am I in heaven?""
3. Eat to the point that you need a wheelbarrow to be carried to the couch and/or your cousin in polka dot and paisley starts to actually look ""great!""
4. Ensure the stuffing remains within a five-inch radius of your plate at all times
The Goodbye
1. Twenty ""I Love You's""— even to your obese, passed out uncle
2. Leaving with a four pound goodie bag of appetizers, entrées and desserts for the next day (always think ahead)
3. Keep it no more than five minutes, no less than two
The First Date DARS Report
General Pre-Date Requirements
1. Contemplate why you're even going on this date, if you like this person/if this choice is more economical than, say, watching two seasons of Dexter at home by yourself
2. Resolve that you'll go, try on at least five different outfits
3. Perfect smile and greeting
4. Set high expectations, watch a clip of ""When Harry Met Sally"" on TBS—then set them higher
Arrival and Dinner
1. Completely mess up well-practiced smile and greeting
2. Judge date within five minutes and either regret or celebrate having not watched ""Dexter""
3. Maintain attentiveness and complimentary discussion
4. Hope beyond hope you don't have parsley stuck in your teeth
5. Imagine having sex with date, decide whether you'd want to
6. Order drink
The Goodbye
1. Stand painfully long at the restaurant, debating how far the physical interaction should go
2. If reconsidering season three of ""Dexter,"" keep it minimal
3. If not, give date your sexiest ""come hither"" expression and see what happens
4. Disclose details to friend within five minutes of departure
The Winter Break DARS Report
General Vacation Requirements
1. Leave bed for no longer than 10 hours
2. Maintain familial peace within two days of arrival
3. Watch every Disney movie in reverse-alphabetical order
4. Proudly deem The Living Room Couch your unofficial dwelling for the month
5. Devour second shelf of pantry
High School Friend Interactions
1. Party, dine-out, have late-night nostalgic conversations of lifelong history together
2. Rehash same dating/self-esteem/overall life issues you've discussed since 4th grade
3. Debate why you're still friends with half of them
4. Blame parents
Pre-Departure Tasks
1. Consume mass quantities of homemade food
2. Revise Facebook profile in celebration of a New Year—a new you!
3. Promise self that you're ""really going to try"" this semester
4. Pack underwear
Wouldn't a DARS Report for life be just great? Know any other times you need a guide? Fill me in at gleicher@wisc.edu!
