Days before the spring 2010 session resumed, Chancellor Biddy Martin announced that UW-Madison is well on its way to implementing the quarter system—that is, a quarter ounce of marijuana per student per week. These radical, or more commonly, ""rad"" changes were instituted during the yearly UW-Madison conservation summit, whose date happened to coincide with that of the Great Midwest Marijuana Harvest Festival last October. According to Jacob ""Gnar"" Narford, spokesdude for the Weed Conserve program, the committee decided after what seemed like an eternity in a small, windowless room with ambient lighting to disregard nearly all prior conservation methods.
""It was like, in with the old, out with the new,"" said Narford. ""Haha! I meant the total opposite. Dude! Anyway, we realized that a ton of those UW-Madison kiddos are lifelong citizens of Blaze-Town anyway, so why not just run with that?"" Narford strongly believes these so-called ""super toker"" students are the ones who are most concerned with the environment, especially in matters that directly involve getting more weed from the aforementioned environment. Their lifestyle, notoriously low in energy and resource demand and consumption, is a model for the new conservation program that is to be implemented as soon as its forerunners catch up on their car payments.
The Weed Conserve program, as a part of the Wisconsin Hi-dea, will rely on marijuana-smoking lifestyles and value systems to reduce waste and consumption all across campus. In a unanimous vote, the committee agreed to relocate the campus hub to the Eagle Heights/Picnic Point area and hold all classes outdoors during the warmer months of the year. In the wintertime, professors and TAs are to host life-changing discussions and drum circles in their own homes.
In accordance with the original goal of using efficient systems, abandoned campus buildings are to be used as electricity- and water-free student co-ops, with the exception of powering vaporizers and refilling bong water. As the heaviest of marijuana smokers know, the best place to shower is a free-standing body of water, so Lake Mendota is to be used for exactly that purpose until it freezes over.
UW-Madison's curriculum is to undergo vast changes as well. Although most departments within the various schools will remain, a large piece of the budget will be dedicated to funding the future Department of Glassblowing as a larger part of the College of Gen-Eds. Formerly the College of Letters and Science, the creation of the College of Gen-Eds is a holistic approach to providing stoners with the education they would probably end up getting anyway.
""Knowing that most potheads are just like, ‘peace' to the UW for good after their second year, we wanted to be sure that no one would even dream of dropping out with these new changes,"" Narford said. ""The only way we can keep these energy-efficient bros here is to offer courses like ‘Jam Band Appreciation,' ‘Dependent Living' and ‘The Big Lebowski 101.' I mean, dude, who the fuck would give up a course load like that?""
When asked about the financing of the Weed Conserve program, Narford admitted he didn't think that far into the future, but he knows a guy who owes him a shit-ton of money, so that should cover at least some or maybe a lot of the program. He is encouraging UW students, faculty and staff to ""just chill"" and let him handle it.
Dude! If you have any ideas for making the Weed Conserve program even more kick-ass, just drop me a line at evanpay@wisc.edu. If I don't respond, it's because I had a revelation that my brain controls my like, involuntary movements and I totally freaked the flip out and thought I wasn't breathing and my friends had to like, call the ambulance again. Don't worry, it happens a lot.
