Baby, you're real pretty and all, but dammit, you're pastier than Janet Reno's thighs in the dead of winter. You know what you can do to make me happy and actually want to have sex with you? Radiate yourself in a hot, plastic cylinder for 20 minutes at a time. You know, the same hot plastic cylinders shining brightly with the sweat of all the women who have passed through during store hours, that countless employees have forgotten to disinfect because they were too busy taking pictures of themselves during their shift or going tanning themselves.
But make sure to tan naked, because last time I checked, tan lines are the most repulsive and unnatural thing anyone could ever encounter, no matter how sensitive your parts untouched by the natural rays of the sun are to the scathing beams of a machine. However, there is one tan line that I will accept, and that is the Playboy Bunny sticker, which should be placed either near the area of your fullest cleave or a few inches above your lady parts. Because, as you know, seeing a tiny, glaring rabbit thing surrounded by a multitude of burnt and peeling flesh makes most to all men instantaneously ejaculate.
Oh, and you better tan naked, 'cause I want your entire beautiful, painful-to-the-touch body to be bathed with that succulent post-UVA-ray-penetration smell. Mmm. Skin cells.
But don't stop there, baby, do it at least four times a week and especially on days when you know you'll be going out in public. I'll do anything; I'll even buy you an unlimited package so you can tan two times a day if I ask you to. My buddies and I were talking, and we all agreed that for you to be considered a ""hot chick,"" or even a ""7,"" your skin needs to be at least 15 shades darker than your hair. Right now you're at about four shades, and I'm a little disappointed, to say the least.
You know what? I think I'm going to bring Jenn to Madhatters this Thursday. As you can probably tell by the misshapen moles that have been appearing on unassuming parts of her body, Jenn has gotten to the Level Four tanning beds, which should be both your and every other woman's life goal. You may think it's harsh, but in the beginning of this relationship you agreed to maintain hotness to make me look good, and you are simply not putting enough carcinogens into your body to be considered attractive.
...You're going to the Tan Shack now? Now we're talkin'. Nothing gives me a bigger boner than a girl who will develop melanomas in the future. Because at least you'll look back and know you were smokin' hot at one point in your life, before having to deal with all those malignant tumors! For now, just live life to the fullest and keep in mind that no man can ever love a pale woman.
Baby, if you ever want to look like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, which is the epitome of natural and obtainable feminine beauty, then you'll nuke your skin right down to the dermis. Go get that sexy cancer, cowgirl!
The Tan Shack currently has specials for the month of February! We are now offering half off one Substitute Self Esteem, so we hope to see you in before Valentine's Day! For more enticing offers, please contact VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
