I've joined an online dating website. Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want. Let me preface this by saying that I joined with my friends as a joke and strictly for the sake of sensational journalism; we all wanted to find guys and go on a date together, and I wanted to write about it in this column.
Personally, I find the most thrilling articles to read are the ones in which the writer actually goes out and does something—something rash, scandalous, and completely contrary to societal norms. So, as a single, sensible, 21-year-old college student living amongst thousands of others like myself, I joined a dating website.
The name? OKCupid.com. If I could, I'd change the name to something more fitting. Perhaps OKStupid.com or NonStopCommunicationWithTheFreaksOfSociety.com or DatingForTheSociallyAndIntellectuallyImpaired.com.
OKCupid does what Facebook doesn't have the nerve to do. In theory, it is Facebook's older, more aggressive brother; the kind of brother whose hand-me-downs include the last decade's collection of Playboy, who informs you that Cinemax becomes the ""adult"" channel after 10 p.m. Not only does OKCupid tell you who's visiting your profile and when, but it zealously moves past the coy ""poking"" and gets straight to the point: You're hot and I want you.
Through messages, ""winks,"" questionnaires and even an online Cupid Chat, users can quickly establish a ""virtual connection."" From that dialogue, they can decide whether to move forward and (gasp!) meet in person.
My foray into the online dating scene all started a week ago, Monday night, while hanging out with some of my girlfriends. It was approaching 2 a.m., and our supply of peanut butter M&Ms and conversation about the same four guys had grown scarce. Something had to change. Suddenly, a friend made a suggestion: ""Why don't we meet someone new?""
Our eyes dilated at the very thought. ""What an extraordinary idea,"" I said. ""But how?""
A light bulb lit above my friend's head.
""A dating website! Let's do online dating! We'll meet guys in four seconds flat!""
Affirmative chatter and pubescent excitement flooded the room. A plan was taking form right before our very eyes. It was ""virtually"" stimulating!
Like warriors to a sword, we grabbed our computers and researched the free online dating websites. Our first stop: OKCupid.com. And there we stayed.
The three of us fervently created profiles. Like ""Dating For Dummies,"" the site provides you with a template. All you have to do is fill it out; what you're really good at, the six things you can't live without, what you're doing with your life, etc.—you know, the usual universal, head-scratching life questions.
Then, we moved on to uploading pictures. These pictures had to be HOT. We're talking steamy. On Facebook, goofy joke pictures more than suffice, because the main intent is ""socially,"" not romantically, networking. On OKCupid, however, attraction's the name and dating's the game. Resultantly, my friends and I worked hard to find some of our most delicious photographic eye candy.
With profiles created and pictures uploaded, the games commenced! Within five minutes of activation, our inboxes were inundated with greetings, come-ons and other forms of sacrificial pride.
Since joining, I've learned several valuable life lessons.
Lesson 1: When guys are desperate, lusting and horny, they'll say just about anything.
Story #1: A message sent to me from a Madison user:
""Hey girl i like ur pics..everything i see... can i have a piece of that lol im felix. what's ur name? ..what do u do to keep the body liek that ? it curves like a mountain road.""
A mountain road??!?! With a line like that you'll never get a ride on this road, let me tell ya. And with grammar like that, you'll be on this site 'till the Earth warms over. NEXT.
Lesson 2: Never give a guy from an online website your number unless you want to 1) marry them 2) marry them or 3) receive a picture of their penis.
Story #2: One of my girlfriends that joined this site gave her number to a seemingly nice guy; they had talked at least twice on Cupid Chat, and he had ""winked"" at her for several days; their virtual connection was prime. When he asked for her number, she acquiesced, and two minutes later was sent a photo via text with the caption ""ur hot.""
And you're not!
Lesson 3: Don't join OKCupid.com.
Stupid, stupid Cupid. This addictive, pixelated piece of crap has robbed too much of my time; time spent reading incoherent, innuendo-ridden messages, laughing at profiles of guys declaring their love of ""potted plants"" and their resemblance to Batman and snickering with my girlfriends the next day over our latest ""boyfriends.""
I swear to you, once my friends and I find guys who have at least six brain cells, passably attractive faces and some semblance of sanity, we shall go on a date, I will write about it and I'll finally bid adieu to Cupid. May I live to tell the tale.
To be continued!
Have you ever joined an online dating website? Are you on OKCupid? Tell me your experiences (or username) and we'll ""connect"" at gleicher@wisc.edu!
