Dear Tenant(s): Attached below is your lease agreement.
This LEASE AGREEMENT will be proof of your legally binding acceptance of the terms and agreements for which you have signed away your privacy, right to the Fourth Amendment and thereby any free-standing beer in the fridge below. (Mr. Douchefart), the LANDLORD will be referred to as the ""OWNER,"" and (Soon to Be Bitter, Yet Still Fresh-faced Student) will be referred to as the ""RESIDENT,"" who will be renting the property from the OWNER at the premises of (80% of UW Off-Campus Housing).
1. TERMS
RESIDENT agrees to pay $(Un-fucking-reasonable) per month on (The most inconvenient day of the month). A late fee of $(You have got to be shitting me) will apply to any rent check received two days after (The most inconvenient day of the month).
2. UTILITIES
RESIDENT agrees to pay all utilities on the premises, except: (Just kidding, you're on your own).
3. PARKING
If the RESIDENT is assigned a parking space, it will be located at (The intersection with the highest rate of lurking sex offenders and bricks through car windows, at least five blocks away).
4. HOUSE RULES
All RESIDENTS, especially FEMALE RESIDENTS, must notify the OWNER of the times during the week when they are to shower, bathe or walk around in a towel, just so that the OWNER knows for the planning of weekly inspection checks. Any food or beverage found on a plate or in a glass is subject to immediate consumption by the OWNER so as to avoid infestation problems. If insect or rodent infestation does occur, the RESIDENT must agree to trap, catch or kill the vermin, but not to keep them as pets. Because the OWNER is the OWNER, the bathroom will be available for the OWNER's use, but only under the circumstances that a 24-minute notice has been issued. In case of emergencies, the 24-minute notice rule will be disregarded.
5. PROPERTY MAINTENANCE
Any problem with the heat, stove, outlets, pipes, doors or windows will result in a game of phone tag lasting at least six days, at which point the OWNER reserves any and all rights to insult the RESIDENT's ability to properly use the stove or appliances or open a door. RESIDENT must agree to allow the OWNER, however intoxicated he may be, to enter the premises within one week of the issued complaint, day or night.
6. NOISE
Any noise that sounds like wrestling, struggling animals or what could be considered a noise similar to wrestling or struggling animals must be reported to the OWNER immediately, with apartment number and number/location of open shades included.
7. DESTRUCTION OF PREMISES
Throughout the lease, any destruction to the premises by the RESIDENT will result in termination. Destruction to the premises by the OWNER is both legal and probable.
8. ALTERATIONS TO THE PREMISES
RESIDENT must not alter the integrity of any wall, door or window in any way. Displays of one's own personality, personal taste and/or desire to make the premises feel more like a home are strictly prohibited.
9. ADDITIONS
The free internet that was promised to the tenants is dial-up.
10. TERMINATION
Any failure to comply to the aforementioned terms and agreements, or any ""just cause"" issued by the OWNER will result in the termination of the lease agreement and the RESIDENT will be required to vacate the premises within 24 hours.
11. PROOF OF AGREEMENT
The RESIDENT have read the terms and agreements and hereby acknowledge their written acceptance.
RESIDENT signature: (Oh, Shit).
If you wish to contact the OWNER, please email VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
