This column is part three in John Pounder's at-least-12-part series on press box temperatures, which will run from now until he sheds his mangina.
As I made my trip up to the Camp Randall Hockey Classic's press food spread for the seventh time in the first period, I couldn't help but think to myself, ""John, why is this press box so cold?""
""Well, John,"" I answered myself, ""I could answer this question now, but I'd rather do it with a narcissistic column that relies entirely too much on the first person. That way, it will be more visible to the campus.""
You see, one of the things I've noticed is that press boxes are really cold! Sure, I could grow a fucking pair, man up and stop complaining about having to wear a jacket while I cover a game. But where's the fun in that?
That would be like ignoring the hockey team all season and then only writing as if I give a shit about them when it looks like they might go to the Frozen Four. I'd never want to do that.
To find out more about why the press box is so cold I talked to Chris Maragos, my BFFF (best fucking friend forever, for those of you who do not share the special bond that me and Mary—as I call him—enjoy). After talking with Chris for five hours, he politely asked me to leave him and his family alone and to please stop watching him while he sleeps.
But no matter what Chris or that restraining order might say, I know he shares my hatred for press boxes that are even slightly below 75 degrees Farenheit.
Sure, if I had covered a hockey game at the Kohl Center before I went to Camp Randall that day, I would have known that sitting still near an ice rink for two-and-a-half hours can get a little chilly. Unlike our reporter Max Henson, who I'm sure none of you have ever heard of, I didn't dress warmly so I was hopelessly unprepared for temperatures that dipped all the way down to the 50s!
The other problem I had with the press box at Camp Randall was that I couldn't hear what was happening in the stands. It's almost like there was some kind of intentional sound-proof barrier between me and the stadium's fans so that people who were there to work and not write shitty columns could do their jobs.
Well that's all this week, I would write more, but my Hot Pocket just finished microwaving.
Don't cold press boxes suck? Oh, that topic is not at all relatable to anyone and nobody cares? Whoops.
