Writer's block: It's like your brain is taking a poo that's just a tad too big for your cranium, minus the blinding, searing physical pain. We've all felt mentally constipated in theory, and usually during the absolute worst times: the night before that 25-page research paper about periodical cicadas is due and you've done nothing but watch ""Hoarders"" for the past two weeks, at the altar during that vow part you were supposed to have memorized but forgot last night when Destiny at the bachelor party poured a 15th shot into your mouth using only her cleavage and when you're next up at the National-Level Articulate Thoughts Materializing Into Something Not Only Useful, But Necessary Competition. And we all know that no amount of Phillips' can loosen up the stool of your mind, but do you ever wonder where those abandoned ideas go?
Don't worry, I've just about given up on this fecal metaphor, but please allow me to make one more extension. Abandoned ideas go into the hippocampal toilet—and you can think of your ideas as bacteria growing up the sides of the rim, untouched by any form of Clorox. And what's more accessible than your personal, precious coliforms? Probably quite a lot, but that isn't the point. What I am trying to say is that if you just fish around bare-handed in the bowl, you may just find a forgotten gold mine, or at least some files that you can copy and paste together to make it look like a finished product. Wait, what?
Now that I feel like a disgusting, horrible person, I want to show you my favorite bacteria. These are the headlines that I found unflushed in my own W.C.:
—""How to Withhold Sex While Still Getting Laid: A Modern Lady's Guide""
—""STUDY: 90 Percent of Professors are Complete Douchefarts""
—""Maybe All the Parties I've Been to Are Just Pregame Parties""
—""I'm So Poor I Returned an X-acto Knife""
—""Whatever Happened to Chat Rooms?""
—""The More I Cook, The More I Hate Myself""
—""No, You Do Not Need an Updated Picture, I Still Look as Good as I Did in My Senior Pictures""
—""If I Could Make a Living Attending Training Sessions, I Would""
—""How to Not Fuck a Great Thing Up: A Man's Guide to Decoding Woman-Speak and Etiquette to Keep in Mind""
—""Guy On Computer in Lecture Takes Approximately Zero Notes, Inboxes Girl Who Looks Like a Slut or His Mom, I Can't Tell, I'm Three Rows Back""
—""If You Didn't Like ‘Avatar 3D,' Then You Are an A-Hole""
Perhaps these potential columns were just as useless as they were originally judged and feared, but perhaps something bigger is at work here. These abandoned ideas can relate to other aspects of life, because you know what? Maybe some papers are best left missing an entire thesis, or maybe a text is best forgotten after the initial ""Sup,"" or maybe that party with the giant bucket of brown liquid with pineapple floating in it is better deserted before it even began. After all, variety in the length of your required assignments and social interactions is the spice of life, and sometimes you just have to catch ""Hoarders"" before bedtime.
Want someone to send your own list of half-baked ideas to in an effort to break down the walls of writer's block? Want to use some bathroom humor while doing it? Good, me too, but you can send yours to VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
