If you find yourself easily sidetracked by the internet as much as I, then this article is for you, because I'm about to drop an A-bomb of time-wasting on your ass. If not, you might want to stop reading now, and actually start paying attention to your lecture.
There is one trusty weapon of procrastination in my arsenal that has served me—and many other like-minded folk I'm sure—since early grade school. I speak of the multitude of half-assedly made but compulsively addicting flash games found throughout the seemingly infinite, and mostly unexplored virtual frontier that is the web. As I nostalgically look back on and list these games, I can't help but wonder just how many others are out there, waiting to slowly suck precious minutes of life from its discoverer, mouse click by mouse click. Just so I'm not wasting anyone's time, I left out the stupidly obvious ones like Bejeweled, Tetris, Space Invaders and other games any shlub with a Wi-Fi connection and working fingers can get. So here are some of the ""cream of the crop"" of online games, and considering they are all uniquely entertaining, I present them in no particular order... I made sure these are links without any goddamn commercials or pop-ups.
Crimson Room:
(Just google crimson room)
This one's got more knockoffs than the candy aisle at Dollar Tree, and for good reason. It's the first of the genre, and it's simple. You're stuck in a room, and have to wrack your brains to figure out a way to escape. Crimson Room will really test your resolve... remember trying to sit through an episode of ""College Life?"" This is worse (don't cheat!).
Kitten Cannon:
http://www.addictinggames.com/kittencannon.html
The ""coupes de grace"" for diehard cat haters, including myself. The only thing more fun than swerving to hit a stray cat on the road is to fire them out of enormous cannons in an attempt to set the online record for furthest thrown (and most maimed) cat. You shoot your furry little friend from an enormous cannon at any trajectory, from line-drive to lob, but there's a catch. There are floating explosives, trampolines and dynamite to increase your distance. BUT, watch out for the numerous patches of spikes along the way, waiting to stick your cat through and kill your distance. Whoever made the game must have known that the only consolation for not shooting your virtual kitten far enough would be to see it skewered on the spot.
Red Remover:
http://www.physicsgames.net/game/Red_Remover.html
THOSE WITH ANGER PROBLEMS BEWARE! After enjoying some mindless fun with Kitten Cannon, be sure to put your thinking cap on for this one. Don't be lulled into thinking this game's a piece of cake by the ""intro"" levels... the shit gets FUBAR fast. Basically there are objects of all shapes suspended in mid air, physically reacting as normal objects would to gravity. The catch is that you need to keep green ones there, and get rid of the red ones. Blue objects are neutral (and strategic). By clicking platforms or boxes, they disappear and whatever lies on top will fall. On one level you'll lose instantly, as a green ball rolls off a platform before you know what the hell is going on. To make things better, right when you think you're getting the hang of it, they invert gravity on you. This one's a real ball-buster, but for sure a top pick of mine.
Bloons:
http://www.balloons1.net/
So popular it's got its own website. You're a smooth talking hot-shot monkey who has taken up the game of darts. Oh, you're also on a personal vendetta against balloons. There's an impressive selection of stages with balloons suspended in the air and around various cleverly thought out obstacles. You've got a set number of darts, and a quota for balloons that must be vanquished before you can proceed to the next more challenging stage. This one's virtual crack, and hooked me in for a full night of ""blooning"" until every level had been purged of dastardly balloons.
Bow Man:
http://armorgames.com/play/133/bowman
This one's easy as Sunday morning. It's for every wannabe Robin Hood out there, without the necessary skills, motivation, or materials to start an archery career late in life. You're stick figure faces off against another who appears to be much too far away to ever hit, but they give you some help. They give you the angle of elevation of your bow, and your pullback force, down to the thousandths place. Little by little you and your opponent hone in on each other until one of you is skewered (if you don't hit them in the head it takes two to go down). Any geometry-obsessed gamer stuck in the Middle-Ages will salivate over this one.
Games not fun? E-mail your anger to Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu, then quickly get to a therapist.
