—Tell him that you've changed, for real this time. Even show him the dryer sheet for that extra kick in the pants.
—Make yourself consistently appear to be having the best fucking night of your life without him, even if the ""time of your life"" is occurring on the filthy, wet floor of a mutual acquaintance's bathroom and you are covered in vomit and liberally applied glitter.
—In the same vein, make sure you designate one friend to take at least 100 pictures of you a night in compromising positions with other men and/or objects that resemble men and upload them to Facebook the next day with album titles like, ""CraZy NiTES W/ (yOUr NaME heRe).""
—Pick up a new hobby or two, like crocheting baby socks for your future children or crying while eating Nabisco products.
—Change your relationship status to be with a female friend that he doesn't know—hint: she has to have a unisex name and a private profile in order for this to be effective. Also, the cherry on the crumbly dignity cake with desperation frosting: get a paste-diamond ring from Claire's and flash it so hard and often that your left ring finger gets six-pack abs (Bonus: Men go crazy over six-pack ab fingers).
—Make friends.
—Flirt with his dad to make him jealous and show that you can get older men.
—Try to dress and do your makeup exactly how his mom would, because don't all men want to have sex with their mothers or some sort of other Freudian proverb?
—Dress up and talk like a British man, come to his door and say that you're Mr. Dubiousflame, his new landlord (something you can do to ensure that he will consistently call you is to let some voles loose in the house during mating season).
—Get to know your local Xanax dealer.
—See if your old flames are still alive, but not in the figurative sense.
—Take time for yourself to be sad, but remember that old adage that we've all heard before: for every closed door, a new widdle kitty cat!
—Delete him from your phone, flip the freak out, text mutual friends for his number, call him and ask him to come over and talk, when he says no, freak the flip out and delete him from your phone. Works every time.
—Go on a date with yourself. No one has to know you're single anyway! What's so strange about a lady sitting alone at a table drinking an entire bottle of chardonnay, huh? No, I am not waiting for anybody else, this is a party of one, hear me? So I have two plates of food that make it appear like someone else is meeting me here, but is that really any of your business, you 16-year-old Cracker Barrel hostess? You don't know the first THING about love! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T DRINK AT THE CRACKER BARREL? IT'S A FAMILY ATMOSPHERE? NO CARRY INS? FUCK FAMILY ATMOSPHERES AND FUCK THE OLD COUNTRY STORE!
—Get kicked out of The Cracker Barrel.
Have a good tip for the newly single? Attach it to a carton of Phish Food and send it on over to VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
