Alright guys, calm down, calm down. I know it's Friday, but hey, I got places to be, too, huh? Right Jimmy? Right on. Today we're going to jump right in to an open discussion, and no, this time it is not going to be about Jimmy's unfortunate mishap with mixing Benzos and Admiral Nelson's, but rather, about the reading assigned for this week. Ready to start theorizing? Cool, me too.
To begin, I wanted to address the concerns that Pudovalkovich has about the origins of Louke's spacetime gamogenesis within the confines of a secular lacustrine epoch. There are three main points that he has about how to properly keelhaul an octateuch across an ecbatic velleity, and I want to cover them all within this 50-minute period. Actually, 44 minutes now! Alright, you can consider this discussion agape! Any takers?
...Don't be shy, we're all here to support each other. You can't have a wrong opinion about keelhauling, am I right? Jimmy? No? Okay, I have no choice but to use the attendance roster. You guys know I hate to do this! Kasey? ...Ryan? ...Pete? Not even you, Pete?!
Oh, dear God. I knew this moment would come. My predecessors tried to warn me, but no, I never thought that my 12:05 discussion section number 608 on Fridays would even dream about such debased academic standards!
So let me get this straight: No one did the reading. Not a single one of you goddamned, glazed-eyed, beer-ponging motherfuckers read the ingeniously constructed, 65-paged, 8-point font Pudovalkovich nugget of utterly captivating and controversial velleity theory?! Shame on you and shame on your parents for wasting thousands of dollars on you wretched, self-absorbed souls! And on the last day of class before finals begin! The fucking nerve.
What were you doing during the time you could have been expanding your apathetic little minds in preparation for this multiple choice, open-book final that, along with the 10-point extra credit question I specifically made up for this class regarding which burger joint in town is my personal favorite, is up to 15 percent of your grade? Tanning on Bascom Hill? Facebooking your crush? Buying a few more American Apparel hoodies? Fuck you guys.
And by the way, when I was your age three years ago, we not only used to wear clothes that fit us, but actually cared about the quality of work we presented to our Teaching Assistants. In fact, we used to care so much that we would do the supplemental questions at the end of each chapter without it even being assigned. Not only that, but we used to write our own fucking ""Questions to Consider,"" get together in self-assigned groups on weekend nights, and stay up until the early morning quizzing each other on semi-related concepts too. What is this generation coming to?
Jesus Christ. What do you like to read then, if you're not into the translated writings of Pudovalkovich? Porno mags?! How about I just photocopy some tits onto the page with his theory of Juncaceous Acatalepsy? How would you like that?!
That's it, you all are losing two points on your discussion grade. Cry all you want, but when I figure the five percent that it rightly constitutes into your final grade, you are all going to be begging on your knees for forgiveness, especially those of you with borderline grades whose one page double-spaced book reports I haven't graded yet. Because for a few days until your grade is fully calculated, you may drop from an A to an AB. Good luck explaining that one to your parents, your friends and most importantly, yourselves! Now get the fuck out of here because we're over time, and don't forget to leave your mini-thesis proposal on baraesthesia in the pile up here.
What do you mean you forgot it at home?! FUCK!
Nepionic? Tell VP about it at evanpay@wisc.edu.
