As we resume urinating in proper, designated and morally acceptable areas post-Mifflin and dust off our Sparknotes for the final haul, we must all take a moment to recall what has brought us to this point in the semester. Perhaps there is a particularly faithful bottle of 5-Hour Energy that deserves a sincere thank you, or perhaps it is the friend who, on that fateful night, was able to turn your imminent shitshow into a shit-monologue by sending your one-and-a half-glasses-of-wine drunkass off in a cab. Whatever the case, as a community we are one academic year more learned than we once were, and if I could give the over 40,000 UW-Madison students the high five they deserve, I would. Unfortunately, I have sensitive palms.
As a person and a lady, I have learned more in this, my sophomore year of college, than I did in 2nd, 3rd and 4th grades combined, and I will have you know that I not only learned American Cursive in 2nd grade, but I also read ""A Wrinkle In Time""—and understood it (potentially).
What I am trying to say is, my mind has expanded wildly in the course of a year, and I am but IQ points away from finally understanding ""Frasier."" If there is one thing I can do as a Page Two columnist at this moment just before Finals Season 2010, it is to share two of my favorite life lessons with you in adage form and hope that you may be able to incorporate these bits of knowledge into your own lives:
Liquor before beer, what am I even doing here?
Five cookies in the stomach is company, but six, six is almost undeniably a crowd.
All of this aside, I am sad to say that this article will be my last for at least a year. My plans for the Fall semester are up in the air, and I've run clear out of poop innuendos, so I will not be reapplying until my senior year, when I will hopefully, finally have breasts or at least a few underarm hairs. I wish this article would never end, and thankfully, I don't foresee it ending anytime soon, or at least not for another 150 words.
During my time as a Page Two columnist, I have revealed almost nothing directly about myself in my writing. I feel, in the last two weeks of school, I am finally comfortable enough with my typing skills to divulge information about myself and settle the score.
For one, I never used to believe in awkward until I wrote this article. One time when I was 14, I kissed the bus driver's hand on a dare to secure a half-eaten bag of Cheetos. He liked it. I didn't know I was alive until I was three years old. I have a thick Northeastern Wisconsin accent in real life and have vowed to follow Favre wherever he may stray, because goddammit, I will always love the Green Bay Packers and where they come from. I sew placemats in my free time. God, I feel so naked now.
I have too many websites and also people to thank for this awesome year. For one, my growing register of spooky facts would be unimpressive and banal without Listverse.com. Also, I am thankful to The Daily Cardinal for giving me this opportunity to share my most provocative and controversial thoughts about hipsters and weed. This has been a very special and positive experience, and I will miss it next year.
I don't want to go out with a bang, because I don't believe in having sex in public. But I will go out with this: Crap, I didn't plan anything inspirational. Well, maybe this is just as good: Be respectful, be yourself, eat as much ice cream as you want and put aside enough time each night to sleep. Good luck during finals week and H.A.G.S.
Anything you wanted to tell VP but haven't had the chance to? Even if it's about that groaty rash? Let it all out at evanpay@wisc.edu.
