Well folks, it's been real. This is officially the last column from One in a Jillian and I can't say I haven't gotten a little weepy thinking about not seeing my face (and cleav) in The Daily Cardinal ever again. I know, I know, you're going to miss me too.
I hear there's this longstanding tradition of writing farewell columns in which the writer expresses tremendous thanks to the influential people in their lives and says how much they'll miss the writing experience. But that's the classy way to go out and I think by now you know... that's just not my style.
Don't get me wrong, writing this column was a BLAST, and if it brought me even one step closer to getting in John Sharpless' pants, then the late nights and time-sucking editing sessions were totally worth it.
However, since this is most likely the last time any of my thoughts or opinions will ever be printed on anything besides the pages of my diary, I'm going to take this opportunity to let out some lingering frustrations/hatred/obsessions and maybe a little gratitude.
First and foremost; to all the undergrads who will not be departing from Madison this spring: I HATE YOU. I wish I could stay in college forever, more specifically, I wish I could stay here at UW-Madison forever. As a very wise man said, Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.""
To the plethora of joggers and bikers in Madison: I HATE YOU, TOO. Just because you are physically fit does not give you the right to a) flaunt your svelte bodies in my face and b) disobey traffic laws at your leisure. As I drive out of town after graduation, you had all better watch out because I will not be slowing down for any of you.
And just for good measure, I'm going to throw in slow walkers and packs of chattering females that walk four across, completely blocking the sidewalk: You make me late to class and everyone around you wants to punch you. Learn how to walk in a quick, single file or stay off the sidewalks.
To the Nutri Sci 132 professor: You know who you are and you know you are the devil. Like so many freshmen, I was lured into your class with the hopes of an ""easy A"" and then wham! You pile on loads and loads of mind-numbing work and force hundreds of students to listen to you drone on and on, first in lecture and then in podcasts. Thanks for giving me my worst grade in college. In a 100-level class. About nutrition. You've made me look like an incompetent idiot... I hope you're happy.
To my true love, Justin Bieber: Now that you're 16 and have bought yourself a purty Range Rover, I think it's about time you drove your ass to Madison so we can break in that backseat.
To my temporary true love until Justin learns my name, Ben: Stop laughing at me when I ask you to marry me. It's not a joke and your lack of enthusiasm is starting to hurt my feelings.
To Kristina: You turned me into a slob and helped me developed the eating habits of a rhinocerous. I hate/love you for that. Thankfully, your boyfriend is the shit so I'll forgive you. Try not to die when I'm not living with you next year.
To my wife, Elise: I want to let you know how awesome I think you are for not making me wear pants in our apartment(s), for not yelling at me when I set our plants on fire, for demanding I eat a piece of fruit at least once a semester, for stumbling and giggling into our apartment four nights a week after three years of sobriety, for pretending that I'm Jewish and for not kicking me out for any of the above. You're awesome, and I can't wait to live in your basement when you're a rich doctor. Promise me we'll get a trampoline in the backyard? Great, thanks.
To my faithful editor Kevin: I'm sorry that I didn't manage to turn in a single column on time. I'll let a nip slip if you forgive me...
And to my father, I am so, so sorry that I ever suggested you should read my column. But your decision to keep on reading after week one was your own choice and I no longer hold any responsibility. I'm sorry you had to find out what happened in Mexico... But hey, I came back alive, and that's all that mattered, right?
So I guess that's all. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed. I know I've enjoyed writing it.
Want to tell Jillian how funny and witty and pretty she is and how much you're going to miss reading her column every week? Email her at jlevy2@wisc.edu.
