As a child I took a strange liking to cleaning and thought Windex was the solution to any dirty disaster. Ketchup on your shirt? Grab the Windex. Blood oozing from that scab on your knee? Fetch the Windex.
Then I went to college and realized cleaning was for loooosers. In my apartment, sticky beer floors were rarely completely cleaned up because my roommates and I were so rocking we had parties 24/7 and mopping was just a waste of time.
That's a lie; we were just too lazy.
Upon moving home for the summer though, I had a different sort of cleaning to tackle. I tend to hold on to things I'll never use again. This is fine when I'm away at college because the room sits all lonesome and probably enjoys the company of the worthless crap. However, when I'm home I need space for all my booty shorts. Therefore, instead of just spiffing up the place with Windex, I needed to actually throw stuff out. Here are the more memorable items I came across.
In 6th grade I went to Ed Debevic's (a restaurant where waiters are purposely rude to customers) for my friend Amy's birthday. We giggled as waiters made fun of other customers, but shit got real when our waiter directed a joke at Amy. He said her yellow, yarn shawl with tassels looked like a rug. She cried instantly because, well, he was right. Even though I should've comforted my friend and told the waiter he was a dick (or whatever foul word I used at that age), I thought the waiter was cute and didn't want him to start making fun of me. So, I quickly exited to the bathroom. What a bitch move.
Anyway, this waiter took orders with a red pen that he accidentally left on our table. I swiped it, and recently realized it's been buried in my sock drawer ever since. As I look at this red pen, I am ashamed for being such a lousy friend, but even more so, I am creeped out by my 12-year-old self. Who develops crushes on their waiter and decides to steal their pen as a token of remembrance?
I do.
Rummaging through the depths of my closet, I come across a Disney bag. OMG is this the Jasmine Barbie doll Santa never brought? I hurriedly open the package and find 16 sample bottles of shampoo and conditioner from Disney's Beach Club Resort. First of all, biggest disappointment ever! Second, why did my mom find it necessary to take so many? Third, I went to Disney in 1996; WHY are these still in my closet?
I own a diary from third grade that I religiously wrote in nine whole times. Almost every entry begins with, ""Oh my god, I haven't written in here in so long,"" and ends with, ""I promise to write again soon."" The following heartfelt confession stood out the most:
""Grace was over. We made a dance routine to ‘Wannabe' by the Spice Girls. I told her Posh was my favorite and she told me that Posh is ugly and looks like a camel. When she left I ran to my room and cried.""
Wow, I didn't know I was such a sensitive child.
I think I hold onto clothes in the hopes of fitting into them again someday. But, when you still have jeans from Limited Too from fourth grade, you've gone too far. The gods must be smiling down upon me though because I checked the pockets and cha-ching! I found a twenty-dollar bill. Andrew Jackson, you were intended to be spent on Pogs and Crazy Bones, but I think instead I'll take you to the liquor store and use you to buy cheap beer.
Holla if you owned an Old Navy ""Performance Fleece Tech Vest!"" Double holla if you wore it in your yearbook picture! Anyone? No? Moving on… I came across my green-apple colored one, and after snuggling up to it for a few minutes a flood of questions arose.
What makes it a ""Tech"" vest? Nothing seems technical about this item of clothing; rather, it is fairly straightforward. Put your arms through the armholes, zip up that bad boy, walk to school flaunting your look and become the flyest kid in the fifth grade. Second, when are they coming back in style? I didn't hold on to this gem for ten years for nothing. Third, ""Performance"" fleece?
Is that some sexual double meaning I'm too naïve to understand?
