As the percentage of portly UW students continues to increase for the forty-fifth straight year, the Madison Student Council has formally started a campaign to have an escalator built at the bottom of Bascom Hill to assist the increasingly diet-challenged student body.
In a formal letter sent to Dean Berquam's office on Monday morning, ASM Chair and self-proclaimed big man Brandon Williams made a list of requests for ways to accommodate the heavier student population.
""We are students, not professional athletes. It's simply not realistic that the Wisconsin faculty expects us to eat, drink, study AND walk up a moderate incline to get to class. We cannot all be Michael Jordan. It's simply not feasible and I think Dean Berquam will understand that,"" Williams said.
Williams made it clear that his formal letter was not only about requesting an escalator for Bascom Hill, it also made nearly a dozen other formal requests to help prevent any physical exertion from students, such as: jogging, walking or carrying ones own backpack to class without motorized assistance.
One portion of the letter suggests that each student at UW be provided a free scooter or motorized wheelchair, complete with a basket to carry items.
Williams wrote the letter with the help of ASM Vice Chair Adam Johnson.
""Look, we're realistic, were not requesting that the faculty and staff must allow Ian's to deliver to classrooms at all times of the day or the professor presiding over the class will face immediate termination,"" Johnson said.
""Would that policy be nice? Yes. Would it be permitted in a better world? Of course. But we're far more interested in realistic demands. The fact that Jimmy John's is practically the only eatery available to students on State Street after 2 a.m. is not only disgraceful, it's dangerous. We are not anorexic peasants and we will not be treated as such."" The letter has received widespread support from the student body.
""It's nice to see ASM finally get something done that matters, quite frankly,""engineering major Thomas Kaarl said.
Kaarl continued, ""I think I speak for almost every student at Madison when I say this entire campus feels like one giant military boot camp. I had a few classes on the third floor of the Humanities building last year, and every time I climbed the damn stairs, I was absolutely soaked in sweat when I got to the top. I mean, I was trying to get an education, not scale Everest ya know?""
