So after just three weeks of living in my new house in Madison I think I am actually starting to get it. Wait, did I just say ""new""? I think the proper adjective for my house would be ""old"", and by saying ""old"" I really mean, shithole.
Anyway what I am finally ""starting to get"" is that my house blatantly sucks, and I'm going to be stuck here for another nine months of my life. Actually, nine months might be a stretch. At this point, I give it three until I die of disease-ridden particles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I signed the lease. In all honesty, I think I may have been temporarily blind when that happened. I mean, who would sign a lease when you are standing in the ""laundry room"" of your house, which is actually located in the basement of the house next door?
Laundry room meaning dungeon, and dungeon meaning a basement that smells like death and probably has 20 different species of spiders living in the ceiling. Seriously, don't look up when you are down there. If you happen to feel nature calling, there is even an abandoned toilet bowl sitting in the corner that still has stains in it!
I know what you are probably thinking ""This girl is exaggerating."" Well all I've got to say is come the fuck over to my abode and see for yourself. Hell, I got three great looking roommates to vouch for me; I don't freaking care.
Besides the tomb that I am forced to wash my clothes in, my bedroom is a 2 x 4 jail cell. I am literally forced to sleep in a twin size bed because my room is too small for any other size.
My bedroom window is on the ground level and it looks out to a glorious parking lot. Every morning at 5 a.m I awake to a homeless man sweeping the lot. Yes, SWEEPING A PARKING LOT. Who the fuck does that? Apparently this dude does. He sweeps the lot and hacks up nasty loogies for an hour straight. I kid you not.
I guess I shouldn't complain that much about my standing-room only bedroom. The nasty brown stains on the dirt colored carpet actually accent the place quite nicely —and hell, at least I don't have my roommate's room, she has a dead cat in her vent. Once again, I am not freaking lying.
Let me try and depict this scenario for you: Her bedroom starts to smell real fucking bad, so she goes and buys those cute Glade plug-ins (three of them, to be exact.) And the next day, the room still hardcore reeks. I would simply describe it as this: sticking your nose directly into a raunchy grimy butthole.
Okay, a little intense I agree, but it is TRUE. Bottom line, her room smells like shit. (And if I had a scratch-n-sniff to prove it, I guarantee you wouldn't even scratch the damn thing.) Anyhow, we traced the smell back to her vent, in which we are entirely certain lies a dead cat and all of its babies.
Hell, when our friends come over the expression on their face says it all. One crinkle of their nose and they are already one step out of the door. ""Seriously, who farted?"" is but one of several comments from our friends. Thanks guys. This house is costing me hard-earned friendships!
If the homeless, 5 a.m. loogie spitter and the vulgar butthole smell haven't convinced you that I live in a hellhole yet, you are a fucking freak show. Nonetheless, there is one other thing about my house. My neighbors are straight up douche bags.
I mean, you know you have super-rad neighbors when every time you walk out of your house you are greeted by the dirt engraved penis on their back door. Or, better yet, when they decide to piss from their deck onto our garbage bins.
Hey, if that didn't get our attention the first time, the puke laminating the sidewalk every Sunday morning always does, as well as the vomit and Keystone cans. Wow you guys really are cool.
Besides the drunken sweeper, the dead cat, the douche bag neighbors and many other faulty features of my house (broken shower door, rotting porch) I have realized that I live in a shithole. Oh, and an update on that cat: supposedly it's a dead squirrel, as our landlord informed us after he found out by ""sneaking into your apartment while you were sleeping.""
I guess the first red-flag should have been signing a lease to a house that contains ½ in the address. Sketchy ass shit and dumbass Taylor.
