Note to readers: Refer back to this column after celebrating your Halloween weekend. You may indeed find these scenarios eerily familiar. Madison Freakfest does have the tendency to create such a feeling.
(Knock knock knock) ""DUDE let me in!! C'mon I am freezing my ass off! Are you serious man? What the hell, get up and open the door!""
(Door knob wobbles and door is violently pushed open).
A man wearing a flannel cut-off T-shirt, stained blue jeans and a raggedy blond mullet falls into the living room, crashing into the pyramid of beer cans sitting on the floor.
""Damn it dude! I feel like shit; I am so hungover. I seriously made out with the nastiest girl at the bar last night, way too drunk to even care, but she was the ugliest girl in the bar, no doubt.""
""Are you serious man? Look at yourself! You were the ugliest guy walking down the street last night! You are lucky that any girl even looked at you. You are fucking Joe Dirt! Don't you think she thought you were the ugliest guy at the bar too? You dumbass.""
(‘Joe Dirt' gets up and runs to the bathroom.)
""Whoa you're totally right dude, who the hell made out with me like this? Are you kidding me? I look like scum, dude! I was Joe Dirt for Halloween! My mustache reeks like beer, my mullet smells like sweat and I'm pretty sure I pissed myself! That chick is wack dude, straight up wack. And why the hell do I have a Progressive Insurance card in my pocket with ‘FLO' written on it and a phone number?""
""Are you kidding me bro? That was the chick you made out with. Yeah, you were all over her, you nasty freak! You kept pulling her dress up, insisting that she just ‘go with the Flo.'""
(Joe Dirt chuckles, and sits down in the 1980s-era recliner.)
""Yeah, well at least I didn't fall for the mammogram trick of that one girl! Gosh you are stupid. Whenever a girl is practically begging you to look at her tits you know you don't do it! You stuck your face in her homemade mammogram of a cardboard box like it was your job and you got Iced bro!""
(Roaring laughter)
""Hey now! That girl was smart, OK? I mean seriously, who puts Smirnoff Ice in a box and then begs guys to ‘give her a mammogram'? She was hot too! You got to give her some mad props for that one! I didn't mind getting iced by her at all.""
""Dude, you puked right after! You tried to clean it up by ripping the towel off ‘Shower Girl,' remember? You were trying to convince her that she needed to ‘play the role of her costume and get in the shower.'""
""Yeah, playboy move, man. I remember stealing someone's laundry bag and puking in it. Oh shit, I totally stole the bag from the GTL trio! Who actually dresses up as ‘gym, tan and laundry' anyways? Damn, I would not want to be the guy who had to get a spray tan to play that part.""
""I wouldn't want to be you either man! You walked around with Snooki attached to your arm all night. Damn that's embarrassing. Not to mention, I slammed a pumpkin on your head and watched you run down the hall on Witte 5B butt-ass naked, peering through the eyes of a jack-o-lantern!""
""Dude, you were Joe Dirt—enough said! Go shave that 'stache off your face.""
""You were a goddamn Coastie you weirdo! You and your bros wore leggings, boots, an oversized T-shirt and fake Ray Bans. And you're a dude! That really went well for you, huh? Yeah, you ended the night with Snooki!""
""At least I didn't do the walk of shame looking like Joe Dirt, you freak!""
""Dude, you are still wearing your leggings and Uggs.""
""Eff you.""
(Crack open Keystones and turn on ESPN).
*Based on a true story involving Ted Pappas, Pete Hoyem, Molli Meyer, Michael Baack, Peter Schreiber, Jordan Kutil and Dave Bothwell. Round of shots to all.
