Admittedly, I'm a huge fan of the HBO series ""Eastbound and Down."" If you haven't jumped on the bandwagon yet, and don't mind a foul-mouthed egotist, then I suggest you check it out. Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) is awesome. Or should I say ""mossome""?
The show follows a burned-out major league baseball player, who, through his trials and tribulations will do anything to regain celebrity status, even if it means becoming a substitute teacher, or playing for ""the worst Mexican baseball team in history.""
Upon conclusion of the season two finale I found myself laughing hysterically, then, all of a sudden, I came to a revelation. Randy Moss is the real-life Kenny Powers. I am a freaking genius. I think. This eye-opener was subtle at first, but now, after putting the pieces together I think I may have substantial evidence.
The Hair. Kenny Powers rocks a sick mullet, Moss has the corn rows. Moss used to have the uncontrollable afro too, but that's beside the point. More importantly, Powers started off season number two with corn rows. How peculiar.
The Attitude. Kenny Powers relaxes in the locker room smoking joints and snorting white lines. He comes out to pitch when he is ""ready"" to pitch. Moss' personality also reflects the same ruthless attitude: ""I will play when I want to play."" Together, both Powers and Moss think that they are unsurpassed in their talents (baseball and football) and that nobody in the world is as good as they are. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they got together for a little tag-team in an episode.
For comparison's sake:
""I am not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great. Because that's just the way shit works sometimes,"" says Powers.
""If I can't get to the ball, then nobody could have gotten to the ball,"" Moss said.
The Talk. Besides the full-fledged narcissism, they both have been known to talk some mad shit and have undoubtedly pissed enough people off to the point that nobody wants them on their team. They both lash out at the media and fans. Powers flicks people off, yelling vulgar obscenities and throwing balls at people, while Moss chooses to ""moon"" Packer fans and run over cops.
More recently, Moss got fired from the Minnesota Vikings for saying the following during a post-practice catered meal:
""What the [expletive]? Who ordered this crap? I wouldn't feed this shit to my dog!""
In a follow-up interview regarding the Vikings loss to his former team (New England Patriots), Moss declined all questions.
""I'm not answering any more questions for the rest of this year. If it's an interview, I'm going to conduct it, so I'll answer my own questions, ask myself the questions and then give y'all the answers,"" he explained.
The self-inflicted silence has cost Moss $25,000 in fines, not to mention the $10,000 fine he faced for mooning Packer fans after he scored a touchdown several years back. When asked how he would pay the fine, Moss responded with, ""it ain't nothin' but ten grand. What's ten grand to me? ... When you're rich you don't write checks, straight cash, homie.""
Although Kenny Powers lets people ask him questions, he is very particular about the content of those questions. In season one, he let school-aged students in a gym class ask him questions, and responded with:
""I am talking about me. I want questions about me personally as a superstar. You know, you got this moment in time here with an American icon and you're gonna waste it asking a question about the fucking mile?""
Powers, too, is obsessed with money, and ends the discussion with students by talking about his salary.
""The amount of money I am gonna be making would hurt your parents' feelings. You remember the class where I taught you all how to make it rain? That's what I'm gonna be doing every single night—dolla, dolla bills, y'all…""
On the bright side, at least Powers realizes he's a self-absorbed, outlandish prick.
""After all, I am just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking cannon. ... Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, and nothing less,"" he said
After being cut from the Minnesota Vikes, Moss, too, moved Eastbound and Down to Tennessee. Is Moss the real life Kenny Powers? Not sure, but all I know is it would be entirely plausible for Moss to make the same comment Powers did after realizing he was the best player on ""the worst Mexican baseball team"":
""Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit.""
