As Muggles of the United States, we must accept the sad truth that we're all susceptible to being screwed over by the long arm of the law. It's a sad reality that upon committing serious crimes in our society, iron barred squad cars and the county jail await us, as opposed to somewhere cool like Azkaban or Professor Umbridge's chambers. Honestly, I sometimes wish I was a fucking wizard. I'd much rather have a dementor as a cell-mate than some cracked-out scrub with a gas problem. But, such is life.
What you may find interesting is that wizards and witches are just as accountable for heinous crimes as we are, and boy is there an opportunity to cause some serious mayhem when you've got a wand in your mischievous hands.
So, just what are the types of crimes the magically gifted are prohibited from committing? There are many. Of course we all know about big ones, like the Avada Kedavra killing curse and Crucio torture spell that the Death Eaters are all gung-ho about. But what about all the other illegal acts that can be committed by everyday witches and wizards, crimes comparable to public urination or running a red light? It just so happens I've got a scroll full of wizard crimes, descriptions and corresponding punishments from the Ministry of Magic and I found these beauties written within it:
Indecent Patronus: All creatures capable of magic are hereby banned from tampering with their patronus charms for means of amusement and/or sexual harassment. Any patronus representing unclothed witches or wizards, genitalia, acts of fornication or heavy petting will be immediately charged and summoned to the Ministry to answer for this inexplicable offense.However, charges may be dropped if such a patronus is used in self-defense or defense of others from Dementors, as they are deathly afraid of sexual organs.
Broom Riding While Intoxicated: Any witch or wizard found to be riding a broomstick with a blood alcohol content of .10 or over shall be grounded immediately and have their broomstick confiscated indefinitely. This applies to quidditch games, joy rides and any other form of broom transportation. Any rider who is unwilling to undertake a sobriety measurement spell will be fined extra galleons. Thinking of getting on that Firebolt after a few butterbeers? Think again.
Potion Abuse: Under no circumstances should someone slip one (or many) of the following into the drink of any member of the opposite sex without their consent. These potions include Liquid Lay, Brewed Blackout, or the infamous Horny Goat Elixir. Also, there will be no tolerance for potion use as an illicit means of getting high. Banned potions include Voldemort's Choice, The Shapeshifter and of course the substance which nearly ruined Hagrid's life, The Shitfaced Centaur.
Owl Fighting: This gruesome crime involves the exploitation of messenger owls and their uncanny knack for clawing the living hell out of each other for a reward of various dead rodents. Any witch or wizard seen entering their owl into a fight to the death (no matter how tough his or her feathers), will be stripped of their postal rights and forced to use e-mail until further notice.
