I used to have a pretty good friend named Gary. He was a good enough fellow, and we used to shoot fireworks off at each other down by the creek every once in a while. Once we even made a pretty ambitious bike jump over a really deep ravine and Gary, who used to be pretty daring, ended up shattering his pelvis in several places. After the ""Pelvis Incident"" Gary was confined to an ""ass-cast,"" as we called it, and went into self-instated retirement for what ended up being several years. The last few words I ever heard Gary speak still run through my mind from time to time:
""Yeah, my ass is ok. Plus I just got this awesome new game called World of Warcraft to take my mind off of it and it's really fun!"" That was the moment Gary realized reality is a painful place indeed and that online video games are pretty fucking sweet.
Turns out, in the four years I never saw Gary he ended up getting decent grades and going to UW-Madison. I saw him a few weeks ago for the first time in years shuffling down the sidewalk with a couple of 12 packs of coke and a big tub of Cheesy Poofs under his arm. He had a glazed-over look about him. Clearly he was intentionally tuning out the commotion around him. He seemed to be on auto-pilot, like he was just completing a necessary chore, and almost dropped his whole supply of convenience-store goodies when I yelled from across the street. (I swear I saw him reach for some imaginary weapon at his side, but caught himself before it was too obvious.)
I offered to buy Gary a Subway sandwich, partly to catch up, and partly as an apology for the whole bike jump fiasco (it was my idea for him to try it with no hands for the first time). Grudgingly, he accepted. Gary seemed a lot more fidgety and uncomfortable than I remembered, as if he had completely forgotten how to interact with other humans. When I asked Gary about his alarming transition from typical kid to suburban hermit, he had some interesting things to say.
""Man, after shattering my pelvis and having to sit in my room for half a year, I realized something—reality sucks, man, he said."" I could be flying over the mountains of Azeroth right now on my Griffon, slaying three-headed, fire-breathing demons with one swing of my enchanted long sword.""
""Now, thanks to you, I'm eating a sub-par ham sandwich with a kid I really don't care for at all, and my ass still hurts because I forgot my butt-donut.""
He had a look of disgust on his face as his eyes shifted around the Subway, pausing momentarily on the morbidly obese woman ordering a Philly cheese steak smothered in ranch. Gary continued:
""I don't usually travel during the day anymore, so you're lucky you caught me. I had a long night of questing and forgot to pick up my regular 12 pack at 3 a.m. I can't stay here long either, my clan-mates and I are supposed to be slaying Glorfingle, Lord of the Underworld, in 30 minutes.""
I couldn't help but think about what I would be doing in 30 minutes. I had a big research paper on fertility decline in modern day Russia that needed attending to. Maybe Gary was on to something with his anti-reality life realization. He looked healthy enough—strikingly similar to the day he crashed his bike, before the accident of course. Maybe all those Friday nights Gary was holed up in his dorm clearing out dungeons while I was out destroying my liver played a part in that. I was toying with the idea of heading over to GameStop for a look at ""WoW"" when Gary uttered what sounded like some sort of spell. Without even saying goodbye he got up, slowly and quietly inched his way to the open door and sprinted out.
Reality just didn't do it for ShadowFiend, the night-elf from Doldramar (""Gary"", as he's known in Wisconsin). These gamers live among us completely unnoticed. Their shades are drawn during the day, an obvious insult to the outside world. You may have one living next door, or across the street; it's impossible to tell. They consider you, me, and the rest of reality inferior to the world which awaits their eager, fat fingertips on their laptop. This is the way the world will be until reality is eventful enough to be made into a video game, but until then, the gaming will continue.
Are you a WoW addict? Andrew might be able to help. E-mail him at aplahr@wisc.edu.
