I'm sure somewhere in the world some guy serenaded his boo on Valentine's Day with Bruno Mars' lyrics, ""If perfect is what you're searching for, then just stay the same."" If this girl is anything like me, then she probably threw up a little bit in her mouth. And if she isn't like me, well, then that's probably why she has a boyfriend on Valentine's Day to begin with. She probably batted her eyelashes at him and then they made out or something.
Well, I too sang Mars' ditty on Valentine's and the days leading up. But, rather than professing my love to some boyfriend, I had more important items to woo.
I sang the lyrics, ""If perfect is what you're searching for, then just stay the same,"" to…
McDonald's french fries
If I was ever stranded on an island and could only have one food item, hands down, their french fries would be it. I've never had a bad fry experience at McDonald's. Never. And I don't think I ever will. I have had a bad Chicken Ranch BLT Sandwich experience at a McDonald's in Indiana, but I'll save that story for a rainy day. Anyway, seriously, those fries—they have them down to an exact science of unhealthy greatness.
Back in 1997, probably when my french-fry consumption was at its peak, Burger King got Mr. Potato Head on board to be their spokesperson. The advertisements with Mr. Potato Head accompanied the slogan, ""The taste that beat McDonald's fries."" Nice try marketers, but even if you use one of my favorite Toy Story characters to promote your food, I will not be swayed.
Dear McDonald's, don't even dare consider changing your fry recipe. It probably goes without saying, but it would be a top contender as the greatest catastrophe ever in fast food history.
My dog via Skype
My black lab and I have a great relationship; I give him treats and he cuddles with me. It's a win-win situation for both of us. Since I wasn't able to be with him on Valentine's, we talked through Skype. I was actually doing all the talking; he kind of just stared at the computer screen in confusion. He didn't walk away or anything though, so I'm hoping that means I didn't look like complete butt.
Anyway, Lenny, don't change a thing. I know the vet has been telling you to lose some weight, but in my opinion, your extra pounds are what make you so gosh darn cute.
Wisconsin Men's Basketball team
Wisconsin athletes, keep doing what you are doing and continue to put OSU to shame. Isn't it just the best when Wisconsin fans can regress to being kids and go ballistic over a victory in a fashion similar to when their moms told them they were going to Chuck E. Cheese for their birthday?
Socks without holes in them
I wear out my socks to the point where there are holes in the heels and the toes. I don't know why it doesn't dawn on me to spend the ten bucks for a few new pairs. But when the light bulb finally does go on, the moment I put on those fresh cotton socks for the first time is like… magic.
James Franco (hypothetically)
Have you seen that smile? It's contagious. James, darling, don't change a thing. That is, unless you're dating someone. Then you should definitely change that and become single.
A bathroom cabinet stocked with toilet paper
If you've ever gone the bathroom and then realized there's no toilet paper, then you likely know what I'm talking about when I say that a cabinet stocked with TP is a beautiful sight. It's absolutely breathtaking. To my roommates who so kindly replenish our bathroom, keep up the good work!
A warm towel straight out of the dryer after a shower
Need I say more?
In sum, to all you mushy couples out there singing stupid love songs to each other, I'm happy for you. I truly am.
NOT!
Are you too singing love songs to inanimate objects? Is your gag reflex heightened when you see couples acting all couple-y? Share with Kathleen at kqbrosnan@wisc.edu.
