One time, a man with dreads, wearing a brown, suede, fringed jacket belted out, ""We all want to be big big stars, but we don't know why and we don't know how,"" while bopping around in the most awkward yet awesome way possible. That man was Adam Duritz from Counting Crows, and the song was ""Mr. Jones""—my main jam back in the day.
Adam, you don't know why we all want to be stars? I can tell you: It's so we can go to the Oscars. And, you don't think we know how to become stars? For me at least, after my failed stint as a local theatre actress, I decided screenplays would be my ticket. So, in third grade I started writing ""The Elephant that Jumped on Trampolines."" That gem would be a Disney Classic by now if it hadn't been for Oprah. I was scarfing down Cheerios and working on my script—spoon in one hand, pen in the other, just like all overworked 9-year-old screenwriter prodigies—when I heard Oprah's voice booming from our family room. Her disheartening words still ring in my ears, ""In California, everyone and their dog has written a screenplay.""
And that was it. In three brief seconds, Oprah shattered my dreams. I put ""The Elephant that Jumped on Trampolines"" on the back burner and attended to kid stuff, like setting records on my Skip-It.
Even though I've set my Oscar ambitions aside, I still get super excited to watch them. Here is how a conversation went with my roommate when I proposed hosting an Oscar party…
Me: The Academy Awards are less than a week away. I'm really, really pumped. I'm not a big fan of award shows, but I really love movies and I enjoy celebrating them. I'm not saying we should make it an overblown event, but we should definitely get some brats, and you should make that nacho dip everyone goes berserk over. I mean, Packer fans got their Sunday glory three weeks ago, now it's my turn. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them, but the Oscars have a little somethin' somethin' for everyone.
Roommate: …
Me: I don't think costumes should be mandated in order to get in, but we can probably work in prizes for those who make the effort to dress up. For the past few days I've been wrestling over whether to be Milton from ""Office Space"" or June Carter from ""Walk the Line."" I know they're kind of on opposite sides of the spectrum, but once you've had time to think it over, let me know your thoughts.
Roommate: …
Me: Oh, oh and how about Oscar speeches? You know, like during commercials? Everyone can either come with a speech prepared or do one on the fly, whatever is more their style. Then everyone will applaud and it will be just like the real thing.
Roommate: I'm really hoping you haven't already prepared one.
Me: Pshh of course not.
Roommate: Oh my God. You totally have.
Me: Well maybe just a little bit.
Roommate: Say it.
Me: No, no, I couldn't.
Roommate: OK.
Me: Fine, well if you're going to force me...
Roommate: I really don't care—
Me: I would like to thank my family for always supporting me and for allowing me to spend many hours in front of the TV watching movies. I would like to thank the Academy because that's what everyone else seems to be doing. And I'd like to thank Bill Murray, who I've never met but just seems like the coolest guy in the world. After not being recognized for your performance in ""Space Jam,"" I would like to share this one with you Bill. Oh, but I definitely would not like to thank Oprah. Definitely not.
Roommate: Get a life.
Do you dance like Adam Duritz? Have any Oscar dreams of your own? Have you ever practiced an acceptance speech? Don't be shy. Please share with Kathleen at kqbrosnan@wisc.edu.
