With ""The Hobbit"" slated to be released in 2012, I can't help but feel my inner ""Lord of the Rings"" geek rear its head as the months fly by. To be honest, it never ceases to amaze me just how few people have actually read the LOTR trilogy, especially when considering how badass J.R.R. Tolkien's masterfully written stories actually are. So with all the movie hype, why aren't people reading the books? I think the answer probably lies in the writing itself. It's not easy to read ""Old English."" Considering Harry Potter practically caters to second graders, maybe Tolkien's books would get more credit if they were dumbed down and/or changed to resemble more modern speech. Since there aren't too many kids who can use the ""I dunn read gud"" excuse at Madison, I have to assume it must be the archaic language that keeps students from really getting into the books. So, to help everyone get in the LOTR spirit, I've translated an excerpt of Tolkien's ""The Return of the King"" into a more popular urban vernacular that most students will relate to. Though there were some difficult translations to be made, the overall plot remains unchanged:
Pippin woke up so hungover he almost puked all over his new threads. As he put on his sword and shit that damn wizard, Gandalf, came knockin' on the door again. ""For real old man? I thought I told you, I'm ready when I'm ready, gimme five damn minutes,"" Pip said. As soon as they left, Pip spotted some real evil looking shit toward Mordor. Gandalf was definitely not tryin' to get his or Pip's asses killed, so they figured they'd just try and roll east towards Minas Tirith, in Mordor. Thing is, there was a grip of orcs and other crazy things comin' from Mordor. Everyone knew they was gonna have some crazy shit on them that prolly was gonna put some serious hurt on Minas Tirith, so before they left Gandalf was like, ""Hey yo Aragorn! We're heading out bro. Just so we're straight, I hope you know I'ma kill you if you're playin' me about those horses you said you was sending tomorrow."" Aragorn, lookin' pissed as hell, was like ""Nah, dawg. My plan's gonna be bomb as hell. Why you hatin'? I got 6,000 Rohirrim just chillin' out back, they be waitin' to put some serious hurt on those orcs, but you keep gettin' in my face about it and I'll tell ‘em all the whole things off."" Gandalf looked like he was real upset, but Pip knew he was just actin' hard.
So they rolled out, and Pip was glad cuz Rohan smelled so dank he couldn't stand it. Speaking of which, Gandalf was smoking some greens he'd never heard of, and every time he tried askin for a toke, Gandalf would be like, ""This ain't no Longbottom leaf you know. This'll wreck your ass if you aint never smoked it."" Finally the old man gave in and Pip took a hit. DAMN did he trip. Fo' like six hours he was thinkin' that he was riding on top of some bigass white dragon that could talk and laugh and shit, and that he had eyes that could see in the dark, even though it was day. Let me tell you dawg, that was da craziest thing he ever smoked, no joke.
When they finally got to Minas Tirith the guy in charge was all pissed and shit cuz I guess Gandalf was late or something and they were about to get beat down by a some huge damn army from Mordor. Gandalf wasn't having that. He was like, ""Dude, you want a badass wizard here or not, yo? Me and dis hobbit here don't gotta be up in yo crib. You keep up that lip and you can try and fight that mofo Sauron on your own. That clear son?"" That shut him up real quick. Pip was about to rub it in his face when he heard some loud ass horn. Everyone looked real spooked when they saw those orcs steppin all over their turf. Gandalf said, ""Damn boys, hope all ya'll brought a fresh pair of underwear and some smokes. This shit's about to go down for keeps. Ya'll betta hope that damn ranger didn't play us fo' fools or we all gonna get dusted.""
Want more ghetto ""LOTR?"" Have questions about anything Middle Earth? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu.
