THE HAGUE (AP)—A UW-Madison journalism professor will answer to the United Nations Friday and respond to allegations that she tortured countless metaphors while she taught at the university.
According to charges filed at The Hague earlier this week, the professor overworked and stretched metaphors to the point of death numerous times in her class, Journalism 202.
The professor said the allegations had no basis and were an unnecessary critique of her teaching style.
""Think of my use of metaphors like a barber shop,"" she said. ""The metaphors are like scissors, giving J202 students a haircut of information so that they may exit my shop—the journalism school—with a fresh new look, which is reporting expertise, and a better knowledge of social networking sites, which you can think of as…""
The rest of the professor's comments were drowned out by the blood-curdling screams of that poor metaphor, matched only by the wails of her students who realized they missed out on three hours of sleep to hear someone talk to them like they're five fucking years old.
Examples cited in the UN's report on the professor include referring to basic aspects of journalism as ""vegetables"" and more advanced concepts as ""desserts,"" as well as lengthy torture sessions involving the software program Dreamweaver.
""I didn't realize the pain she put those metaphors through—good God, if only I had known!"" J202 student Hiram B. Johnswoggle said.
""Now, if you'll excuse me,"" Johnswoggle added, ""I have to go learn how to make videos in iMovie because apparently it's 2004 again and TV reporters put together video packages the same way I made movies in the tenth grade.""
